The nerve!

I've had enough. I'm really mad. Petty comments about how I look and act is ok but comments with the way I work that I can't bare. Especially coming from someone who has the worst work ethics ever. The nerve!

I don't want to get into details about how ridiculous he was to me. He is the worst person I've ever met. No wonder he is hated anywhere he goes. 

I'm an adult now and I keep on reminding myself how I should act. I want this to end but this won't end without a fight. Coz adults fight for what is right!

If my existence makes him miserable then I would be happy to exist forever. I won't quit. I'll keep on doing the things that I do cause it's my job. I'm a professional.

I'm fine just fine. This is life. Life is difficult. I'm an adult and adult handles difficult stuffs. 

What I want..

I'm writing right now cause I want to know what is wrong. I want to learn what's the root of all the anxieties and worries I have. 

I have this co worker at the HD unit. He has a great future ahead of him. He's smart, talented and good looking. He doesn't realize how fortunate he is with all features he has. He is confused and is out of his mind these days. He thinks a lot. He worries about the future much. Too much that I can feel how hard he is going through. He certainly needs a break from all of it.

I felt the same way few days ago. One patient told me I'm not with my old self. I do, I was. Honestly, it's getting into me...how serious my job is. I'm dealing with lives. Life- where there is no way to retrieve once it's already gone. Mistakes are not allowed. 

The thought of saving a life is really rewarding, losing one is a nightmare. 

I'm a pessimist. That's how I make myself efficient. I expect the worst. From there I prepare myself with the worst situation that may arrive. That's where I find relief. It's annoying. I wonder when will I ever be confident and just relax a bit. 

I can't relax if the people around me are lenient. I worry about other people, about other patients. It's not my problem suppose to be but I create problems in my head more than I can handle. I guess that's  the reason I find it hard to focus on important matters. I want to work smart and not hard.

I'm not a physical person. I'm underweight. I want to use my head more than my body at work. What to do? How to do it? I want to be like everyone else. I want to do my job..well. I want to be confident. I don't want to feel uneasy every time a patient comes through that glass door. I want to be good with what I do. That I will feel proud every time I say I'm a Dialysis nurse. 

It's time. It's time to embrace what I'am and love what I do. 

Grateful Heart

I was on deck that day. I’m not even the on-call. I was extremely deprived of one thing which gives me pleasure- SLEEP. I’ve gone through a very critical situation. I put my patient in a life threatening condition. I placed the leads the wrong way. I pissed off my attending. I put the dialysis unit in shame. I troubled my co-workers, attending and my head. And I’m not supposed to be the one in there.

November 5 at 11pm, my boss asked me whether I could attend a possible emergency dialysis to a dyspneic patient. He said Ms. On call was tired and asked me if I could go in replacement of her. I said yes, I was on deck anyway. I received a call and it wasn’t the patient I was expecting. Anyways, it’s ok. I got to the unit pretty early so I have ample of time to prepare. 

My first patient was dyspneic. He was an easy patient. He was with her wife. Her wife asked me about the charges and she has no enough money to cover for the charges. I offered my own money but it wasn’t enough. I offered other helping terms instead. In the end, the patient got admitted because his sugar level was still too high despite finishing his dialysis. 

I thought I was going to get a sleep when ER called and there is another patient who needs dialysis. Ok, with no hesitation I accepted the case. At the back of my mind, I was worried whether my seniors will go in early or not. I’m not yet confident with my cannulation skill, if I really have that skill anyway (screw my coward self for saying that!).

So there it is at around 5:30 am, my second patient come in. He was dysneic. Things went fine in the beginning. I thought it’s going to be another easy case but it wasn’t. An one hour after, he complained of chest pain, I called his attending. My call didn't get through. I referred the patient to the resident on duty. I gave the patient some meds and did an ecg. Screw me for placing the leads wrong! I went down and have the ecg tracing interpreted. The ROD said there was no problem, without even seeing the ecg and without even telling me that I screwed up the leads! My patient’s BP dropped. I called his attending. I started a dopa drip. His chest pain continued and his O2 saturation dropped too. Damn! I updated the AP and he ordered an early termination. I thought things will go well now that patient was unhooked, rather the horror continues as his symptoms get worst. 

I called the ER and asked for the ROD to assess the patient personally, but he refused rather he ordered blah blah. Which he should have ordered a long time ago! That moment, I have wished I was a doctor and just do everything for my patient. Finally his attending got in. He looked at the ecg tracing and said I got the leads wrong. Then the patient got admitted in the ICU.

I was so embarrassed that I wished I was not there. Seriously for the 2nd time!? Jane! What are you thinking!? You’ve been doing that for a lot of times now! Seriously why!? (haha, I can’t get myself so angry cause I’m watching something good right now,) I felt embarrassed but it’s ok, I just laugh it off and I seriously never plan to do it again. Yay! F

So my day at the unit ended and for reason I felt ok. All I think about is to get enough sleep. My head was so nice he let me have my off the next the day. And for your information, I overslept.

Despite all the trouble, November 6 wasn’t a bad day at all. It was a trial and I definitely learned a lot. There were more things I should be grateful about rather than regrets. Number 1: The learning experience I've gone through. Number: 2: My very helpful co-workers. Number 3: My patient didn't code. Number 4: All the learning I learned in just a night (so much). Number 4: haha, I earn P 750 + 200 in just a day. Number 5: The good comment I received from the ICU nurses. There are lots of things to be thankful. Yes I was upset for a while but I choose not to dwell with the feeling. It’s not going change things anyways. Rather I choose to have a grateful heart and see the brighter side of the bigger picture clearly. 

Mixed Sunday Thoughts

I was able to be part of a fellowship again. After a long time, I met my Heavenly Father. It feels good and my desire to hear more of his words intensified more. It was a pure longing to learn more of his words. I guess this is where I find peace. It’s every time I’m in his presence and surrounded with people who serve Him genuinely.

I went to church today. Although at most time, my head flies out of nowhere, I still find myself headed back where I am. The geist of the Sunday service is to have a “grateful heart”. It’s not until on the last part that I absorbed the message. It was a very nice and simple message to remind me of how I’m blessed I am. I’ve been focusing with negatives rather than the bright side of things lately so the message is definitely something to ponder about. 

I’ve always been terrified with IV cannulation. I know this a very different story but I need to get it out of my chest. My hand shakes whenever I do it. My heart beats fast whenever I think about it. The anticipation of me doing it freaks me out. I can’t pin point it out exactly but I think me, committing a MISTAKE is the root of all this stress.

It’s part of my job. It’s actually the main part of my job. To establish a very good access so the patient can start the procedure. 

On one hand, GETTING IN brings me so much joy. How I wish I could focus much on the positive things I’m doing rather than the vein-bulging and vein-missing circumstances. I know I’m better than this. What I have to do now is to try hard to be a better me. Stop lingering with the past mistakes. It happens. Even staffs miss. You are just yet a trainee. A trainee needs training to be an ever deserving staff.

To hate or To love: Writing

I think too much. It’s a bad habit. I've gotten lots of not-so-good habits including procrastination and time mismanagement but too much thinking is the worst. It’s the most tiresome thing on Earth.

I’m confused. I don’t know what to write. I write when I want answers deep inside me. My head is a chaos and my thoughts are like pieces of crumpled papers scattered across my brain. I write to organize them. Sometimes, what I think is not really what I feel. I have proven it a lot of times thanks to writing.

Now let see, what worries me lately?

I've been experiencing panic attacks lately. I palpitate all of a sudden and I just hate that awful feeling. I thought it’s because of the coffee. I guess YES but not solely. I’m scared. I’m afraid of a lot of things right now. Ever since I was transferred to my new area I’m little by little turning into an insecure coward loser. And I have to find the turning point soon before I fall into complete cowardice. But HOW?

I just passed my first month. Evaluation: OK, just fine. But I’m not satisfied. They actually recruited me from the floor because I was the ASSET. I guess WAS pretty much applicable indeed.  And the thought that I’m just a second option doesn't make me feel any better. BUT this is actually you’re problem! YOU KEEP ON THINKING NONSENSE THINGS. Thing which isn't worthy to be thought of! When will you learn to filter what to think? Even terabyte storage has their own limit. You keep what are IMPORTANT. FOCUS on what you should be doing instead of running away from it. FACE IT! FACE YOUR FEARS. You can’t run away from them cause they’ll chase you eventually. Quitting isn't an option. You are old enough to face your responsibilities. Life is all about  them . Better to be immune than allergic from them. Dive in! Dive without any intention of DYING. Dive until you learn how to swim and survive. You’ll adapt eventually. Everyone started with level 1. Then leveled up eventually. You have to pass some obstacles to move to the next round. Forget about….I forgot what to write. MISTAKES and FAILURES are there. Believe in God and with all the gifts HE had given you. There is a reason why you are there. There is a reason why they got you. Trust in God and with their judgment. And trust yourself too! You can do it! You can do your job. It’s fine to get scared, that only means your human, but it’s not good to dwell and get drowned on it. They have made it. You’ll make too.

P.S. Just now, unconsciously, I solve my non existent problems after writing about them. Writing is a something that I hate to LOVE. 

Overwhelm

It wasn't that long that the news broke and that I'm gonna be the new Dialysis trainee. Since that day, the next few days have been overwhelming. 

I'm not really sure  whether I'm ready to go solo at the Dialysis unit.  I question myself a lot whether I'm capable to handle emergency situation alone. To be honest, I know myself well and I got a lot of things to learn especially with a code. 

I've been in third floor for 6 months now and I never experience my patient had a code. I've helped my co nurses code before but never had my patient go through the same thing. 

Two nights ago, we had a code. This made me think that God is stalking my thoughts. He gave me a chance to handle such serious situation. I thought it was amusing although we failed to save one soul. I felt sad to hear grieving voices. I told myself I don't want to hear those sounds again. 

I realize, we are not saving a person's life only for the individual but for the people who love and cherish his life. Seriously, I wanna be good so I won't hear those sad sounds again. 

I'm thankful for the hands on experience that made me realize I'm lacking and I need to learn things step by step. People say I do well when it comes to crazy situation but I beg to disagree. I appreciate good words but they change otherwise unless I perform my role well. I hope I can be the best that I can be so I can save lives and save S.O. from grieving. 

It's not about the number

Number 13 doesn't appeal that much to me. I guess that's because it was correlated with misfortunes and bad stuffs. Perhaps, things I experienced yesterday makes me think otherwise. 

It wasn't a normal day. Yesterday my dad was scheduled to go back to Saudi Arabia after a three month vacation. It was a sad day especially for my dad. He was hoping we'll hit the lotto jackpot so he won't go back to Saudi anymore. I can feel his longing to just stay and be with us. So much for the guilt that his desperation brought me. I was suppose to be the one who is working abroad. Sigh.

I went to bed late the other  night cause I fixed my computer and the anti virus update didn't let me sleep until 2 am. Eventually, I wasn't able to be with my dad properly with his last minute at home the next day. Nevertheless, I was able to bid goodbye. He barged in to my room a couople of times to wake me up and say he's leaving. I cried secretly whenever he does that.

Despite all the morning drama. I went to work in the afternoon. I planned to go to our chief nurse office first to know what happened with my first IR. While I'm on my way to the hospital. I received a text message from my previous head nurse at the dialysis unit. He wants to know when is the best time to call. I told him , I'll just see him later. 

I went inside the chief nurse office and see smiling faces which is a good sign, I thought. So, the issue I'm involved with was already resolved and I got back the money I paid. I felt so happy. Fortunately there is another good news and it was a very unexpected one. The Dialysis unit is actually looking for a trainee and that's the reason why my previous head nurse wants to talk to me. He wants to recommend me to the board as their new trainee. My happiness is actually through the roof that moment I found out. I'm floating and the first thing I wanna do is to treat someone. I said thanks to my chief nurse and proceed to the Dialysis unit which is just next door.

All greeted with a smile. My previous head nurse took me to the chief nurse again and discussed about the recommendation. He said good words. Words I haven't heard for quite awhile while I'm where I am. Goodness, If I could just show how happy I am  I would but that would embarrassing. I have this tendency to look dorky when I'm extremely happy. 

Just few days ago I was thinking about Dialysis. The place where I was valued and appreciated. And now, I'm bound to return to the place where I really belong. Third floor is challenging, dynamic and a very conducive place for learning and experience. However, I must agree with God's plan with me. He knows better. 

I had my duty earlier and the news already broke. I heard some good words from the person I least expect  and it felt good and awkward at the same time. They actually let me choose between third floor and jalysis- that was extremely awkward, I was speechless. I opened my facebook account and read some words of encouragement and support. I felt better. 

I don't know if I'm choosing the right decision or not. One thing I trust is God and his plans.

Test

I feel like I was tricked and tested yesterday. After that boosting article about the "I'm smart thing", my guts was tested with a number of circumstances last night. When I look on the bigger picture I feel happy I got through it.

I realize it's not all about me but also with the people that surrounds me on duty. I came to the idea that I can't do things alone. I'll be safe from disappointments and frustrations if I'm going to be with the rude and lazy ones. Seriously, this is quite a revelation to me.

Yesterday was suppose to be a crazy night but I end up in a very good mood. I was with some of the most competent and helpful people in the floor and it was a blast. I hope I'll be with them more often cause they are really good to be with.

Yes, the introspection I did  yesterday was awesome but if wasn't with these cool people last duty I would be probably down again. Seriously, they really gained my respect. Cheers to mam EU and sir Marki!

Today is my off and the next 4 duties ahead of me are expected to be gruesome and toxic. But I'll be the best that I can and help people as much as I can without having motives. It's good to be with some of the good guys in order to learn few simple but important things.

Thank you God for teaching me the valuable lessons of life.

Enough!

It's Friday and god! I'm really loosing my grip of time. I wake up in the morning, eat, go to work then, watch movies and sleep. Those were my routine every single day ever since I started working. Is this what it means to be an adult?

I never walk in this road before so I'm pretty much unfamiliar with what is this adolescence is all about. I'm a stranger in the island called adulthood and even though I'm 24 already, I'm feel like I gate crashed in this stage and felt like I don't belong. 

What is this adolescence all about?

Some people are doing it well and managing the level nicely. At this age, they are well paid, they travel, they already have things they call their own, their parents are really  proud of them, they were able to help other people, most important of all, they know what they're doing and where they are heading. 

Sometimes I wonder whether they already been on this road where I am. I guess not, cause I think they were never lost. How did they do things professionally? Did they cheat like what I do on games? Did they take a shortcut? Or I guess they received an awesome tip from someone who knows it all, someone who mastered this very complicated puzzle known as life.

I wish I have a mentor who will tell me what to do but think of it I'm not a robot. I got this ability to think and reason. I should know what is right and what should be done. Though at times I loose my common sense because of too much thinking I guess. 

I'am smart. My mom, dad and some people outside my clan told me so. I know it myself but the thing is, I sometimes forget that I'm above average and end up acting dumb to avoid heavy expectations and responsibilities. Looking at the bigger picture, I'm a mess. I'm a rat. I'm a loser. I hate that word but I guess I am. 

Talk about loserdome, I'am a loser for quite a while but I WON'T let this continue. 

I'm SMART. I'm CAPABLE. I know I  CAN.

Too much of this lonesome loser days, this is enough. Gotta show the real me. Goodbye fears!

FOCUS. BE SMART. BE GREAT! 

TO GOD BE THE GLORY!

Bye June, Hello July

I was looking at the right side of this blog, particularly the months and the number of the posts I made. I noticed I missed June. It reminded me of how miserable I was the past month that I even forgot to update this blog.

Let me tell you about my June. June had been a horrible month for me. I don't even have one particular memory I felt happy, well except from the arrival of dad from overseas. But anyhow, June was a very rude month to me especially at my workplace. 

I always wanted to prove myself to people on behalf of the people who are important to me . But I felt like I failed them a couple of times and I never done anything to make them proud. June was one of those moments when I just wanted to stop cause I was too ashamed of myself. 

Good thing, with all the stupidity I committed, I'm still IR free. Anyone who works in the hospital doesn't want that on their record. God is definitely good to me.

Anyways, I got by just fine. It's July now and it started out just fine. I feel fine. I feel ok, just so-so. Now I'm keeping my fingers crossed with the things that are yet to come. I know God has plans and I trust him with all of my heart.

Be One

With my 24 years of existence, I can safely conclude that I'm not a very social person. Probably, if I would rate myself, I would be below average when it comes to that aspect. I guess it is rooted from my childhood or I just want to be alone for most times. 

Believe it or not, I never had intimate relationship with someone. In short, I never had a boyfriend.That doesn't mean that no one had ever expressed interest in me. I turned down some people FYI. I can't say exactly why but I got a lot reasons why but I can deny that I'm scared.

Although I have faith with desensitization, I still can't figure out why I feel distant with my co-workers and I why I don't feel attachment to most of them. Is this normal? Is it because of I'm originally an introvert?

On one hand, I've overcome extreme awkwardness when dealing with people before. But I've gone through the same awful before. I don't know what happen but it just happen and everything feel into place. All of a sudden I became one of them and became family.

I wish it will be all like that after a while. 

My not-so-good habit

Just looking at the time interval of the last post I had, one can conclude that I've been extremely busy these past few weeks. I guess I was but not exactly, I just got out of track. I realized that thinking is a very wasteful habit.

"Thinking", it's a very smart habit. Like everyone say, "Think before doing something. Think of a plan. Think of the consequences. Think." 

However, too much thinking isn't good which can be synonymous to worrying. I read of a phrase about worrying- that it is a down payment of a problem you may never have. 

So what's the point?

I've been losing my precious time these past few weeks because of WORRYING. I've been overly conscious of the things I do and whether I'm doing them right. I'm worried of what other people are thinking and what they are labeling me. I'm stressed over the things I still don't know but I should have. I'm worried about my future and when will I take the next step to make something big. These small things keeps freaking me out and I'm trying to block the negative thoughts but I guess I can't stop the leakage. 

Somewhere behind my mind is the thought that I can go through it if I just keep moving forward. Besides I know it's normal to feel this way occasionally. Although I observed that this "over thinking" is becoming a sick habit of mine. 

I know I can't stop myself from thinking. It's inevitable. But I wanted to manage it and eliminate the excess. My solution? I want to regain my focus. Just like how I did it in high school where I miraculously ended up on top. To concentrate on things that matters most and leave the extra baggage behind. Now, the big question is how will I do it?

One answer I have right now is JUST DO IT. 

(Suddenly I feel great!)

2nd month

4 days from now and I'll be on my second month stay on 3rd floor. I don't know exactly what to feel but one thing I'm certain is I'm pretty much happy I'm still there until now. 

Those two months had been a difficult period of adjustment and learning for me. I'm not saying that I'm totally comfortable but I'm fine and I can handle things now. Although, I'm really looking forward for the day where I'll be independent and comfortable in that zone.

I don't have much to say cause my state of mind is pretty stable right now. I just want to make a mark on my second month on that difficult and complicated area. I owe it to HIM and I wanted to thank God with all his guidance all through out my stay in that hospital. I'm looking forward  for more learning and experience in that hospital. 

THANK YOU

The Other Side

It's been a month and 6 days. Whew. In a short period of time, I felt like I've gone through a lot at 3rd floor. I don't know if it's a good thing but the good part are the learning and experience I'm acquiring. 

This is exactly the opposite of what I felt in Dialysis. Like my four months of stay there was like a flash and I only learned minimal. I feel weird when I think of that.

Few weeks ago, I wrote about the Dialysis Unit's certain charisma. Now let me say something about 3rd floor. Toxic ward, it is often called that way. In other words, it's a busy ward. Patient's census is always packed, given a lot of tasks to be done in small amount of time. 

From what I heard and what was endorsed upon me, most nurses don't want to be assigned in that floor. I guess for obvious reason, nobody wants to be intoxicated for an unjustified amount of cash. On one hand, nurses from the toxic ward earn good reputation from other departments in return. There is a generalized conclusion that if you were from 3rd floor, you're GOOD. Which is the opposite perception when you came from Dialysis.  I guess I'm going through extremes these days.

Anyways, what's with 3rd floor that everyone dislike about? I'd like to point out some.

1. Overwhelming tasks. Which happens when the shift is about to end. Doctor's coming with all their orders, sending patients home, admitting patients, etc. All of these may pour in at the same time and will certainly drive you crazy you'll regret you woke up that day.
2. Demanding patients. It's an ordinary ward not a suite but patients will demand your attention like they are checked-in in a hotel suite. They will annoy you with their ridiculous complaints and bug you with their desire to go home without the doctor's advised. Gahd!
3. Not so approachable co-workers. Well, I'm from Dialysis. People there are superb. Not to set comparison but the 3rd floor people are completely opposite. Anyways, I don't mind, at least they are not all fake. 

With all the negativity and bad vibes. Toxic ward isn't all bad after all. Honestly, I'm gradually falling in love with that place. It has this certain aura conducive for learning both in my chosen field and in life. I love Dialysis but 3rd floor is  so challenging that it caught my attention really hard I don't have spare time to miss Dialysis. It's like an obnoxious guy that I hate to love. Oh god! This doesn't confirm my obsession with complicated matters. Seriously, I never thought I would say this.

I'm so dead if someone I knew will read this but it feels good to let it out.HAHA

What a Week

It’s been an exciting week for me. This might be one of those times where I got to do, experience and learn a lot in a short time.

These days, days pass like hours and hours pass like minutes. I don’t have a tight grip of time. I don’t get the chance to update myself of the day and often, I get surprised by how fast days had gone and its weekend again.

When I’m on duty, time is an essential and every second counts. I get on duty and the next thing I know its endorsement time.  I’m not really sure if it’s a good thing but I find it interesting and extraordinaire. It’s like there’s no time to get bored and lax. Which is exactly opposite of what I felt in Dialysis unit. I’m not really sure what I like and not but I’m pretty much ok with where I am now though it’s not a perfect and easy place.

This week I had my first two absents. The first one was last Tuesday because of severe back pain. It was honest and I really can’t move well. The second is today. I had a great night last night with my high school friends; drank too much, talk my heart out and flirt as much as I can.  Haha. Eventually, I wasn’t able to go to work because I feel terribly bad and tired.

Honestly, behind my valid reasons (at least for me they are valid). I intended to make absences while I’m still a volunteer because once I get promoted as a trainee, I plan to bring the best in me and never absent. Yes, next cut off, on Tuesday, April 11, I’m an official trainee.

I don’t know if it’s something to be happy and thankful for. Technically, YES, because that only means I’m entitle to some of the hospital benefits like allowance and a ton of hospital toxicity brought by heavy work load and responsibility. I really regret I don’t get the chance to pour my sarcasm when it comes to this. That freaking cocktail screwed up my wordplay today!

Anyways, all the stress I felt this week was melted away by the time I spent with my high school classmates 

last night. I got the chance to hang out and de-stress with real people and people I like. I miss those kind of moments when you get the chance to show the real you and just pour my heart out without worrying that those people will sell you out. I was really de-stressed. I’m especially happy that had to spend time to one of my high school crush, Max. He really made my night right even though I was kind a disappointed of some things. Nonetheless, it’s worth a day absent from the hospital, seriously.

In the hospital, I’m happy that I’m starting to learn humility again and treating mistakes like my own mentor. I hope I can take this attitude along the way. Ione is starting to open up with me and she’s really nice, actually to everyone. I’m not certain if she’s true or she is just making herself likable. Anyways, I don’t want to guess her real intention.

From now on, I decided not to be conscious with everyone is thinking either about me or anybody. I choose to focus with my job and what I’m bound to do. I wish I’ll get over with my phobia with phones and calling too.

Now I got to frequently remind myself of my purpose, drive, motives and goals in the floor to get me back on track every time.

Here Comes My 8th Day

It’s been said that the wild is a very dangerous and strange place to be. It’s a place where the smart, strong and the brave ones survive.

I’ve been out from the most pampered area in the hospital for over a week now. Regrets? I would be a hypocrite if would say that I don’t miss Jalysis, cause I effin’ miss them oh so much. But for some reason, I choose not to dwell with the feeling.  Where I am right now is where I should be. It might not be the best place in terms of people and how friendly they are, but a big part of me says I belong there. How can that be possible? 

I remember how my psychology instructor taught us about the mind and its division. It is like an iceberg where the peak of it is your conscious mind and the rest buried under water is your subconscious mind. And I guess my love and like for 3rd floor is buried under the icy water.

Third floor is wild but I think not wilder than my duty days in Laguna. If my memory serves me right, I didn’t have much time to sit every time I’m on duty back in Cailles. However, 3rd floor has this specific toxic level and is brought primarily by demanding patient and doctors. It’s fairly different from Cailles. I haven’t experience the kind of toxin because I haven’t given the chance but I can feel that it is coming soon. For what is worth, I’ am ready and I’m ready to take the challenge.

The best moments in life is doing what scared you the most.

I think one of my existing phobia as of now is answering and calling on telephone. I figured out I’m scared that I might not understand the person on the other line and that person might think I’m stupid. Talk about confidence and all. To think about it, I worked in a call center and English phone tutorial center but I guess I haven’t got over with the phobia. I’m hoping I will this time. God bless me.

Unlike before, I don’t feel nervous nor scared every time I go to duty. In fact, I feel excitement and a sudden rush. I hope this will stay. This is what I call FIRE. I thought I lost it somewhere but now it’s all coming back to me.

I thank God for HIS guidance and love.

What's wrong with me?

I got a day wasted because that freaking movie: Every child is special. Not because it lasted the whole day but because it made me cried and cried, I got tired, sleepy, my eyes got puffy and my head ached.

I watched two movies yesterday; I’ve seen Get Smart and Every Child is Special. Too think of it, I got no reason to cry that heavy but for some reason I wanted to cry hard that day but I can’t let it out unless I use a medium.

I don’t know when did I loose all my crying-abilities. I bet I lost it somewhere the Dialysis Unit. It was a very happy place so I guess I let loose of all my crying-abilities cause it wasn’t needed there.  Do I have to celebrate because I am apathetic? I don’t think so. Crying is one way of emptying out my bag so I would stay sane and human.

Yesterday was a tough day. I was supposed to work ass hard all day cause I’m running out of date with the project I had but because of headache I wasn’t able to work. I also took my blood pressure and it was 70/40!!! God that was the lowest blood pressure I ever recorded.  I elevated my legs while watching a movie: Paul. Funny how I can’t work because of headache but I still had the gut to watch a movie.Hah! I got a lot of reason not to work. Tsk.

I felt bad yesterday, well, aside from the headache; I got heartaches from my recent duty.  I wanted to talk to somebody about it but not even one of my friends cared. Some replied but they are talking about themselves. Sometimes I feel tired of being concern with other people and not concerned me back. Well, it’s wrong to expect but I decided to take a time off with forwarding texts messages today or maybe the next 3 days or a week.

So I had no one to talk to with all my disappointment yesterday. I remember my mentor and his text message, but I don’t want to disturb him with all the dramas. I Probably, I should get used to this feeling. Anyways, Leah and Barce got through it anyways. I must endure this alone too.

I want to figure out where these emotions are coming from. Because they are bothering me big time. Unless I won’t know the roots how can I uproot them. Let me see. My disappointment comes from:

• my desire to prove that Dialysis people don’t suck.
• to conquer third floor
• to have a perfect endorsement always
• to show them that I’m ready for trainee hood
• pressure that I’m 08, and 
• I already had a previous training
• that freaking Meropenem!I usually forget pts requests
• I don’t get credible I&O results!
• the fact that mistakes are center of people’s attention
• that people look down on me and treat me invisible
• TO EARN THEIR RESPECT

I knew it. I have tons of excess baggage, not to mention I haven’t meet the thrown for days! These baggage are really heavy and unless I get rid of them I won’t be able to function well. Despite all  my negative feelings, I made realizations that made me loosen the tension quite a bit. Here are some:

Don’t focus much on people, focus on you job & how you’ll get it done fast. Work smart!

I was reminded of my early dialysis days where I did my job and earned recognitions later. I’m not after the recognition because I lifted them all to God. But pleasing people isn’t really a good habit.

You won’t get toxic unless you let yourself be.

I asked God to make me a good nurse, now I'm a work in progress.

At times life has some ways to remind you that you are already floating on air, and it's time to get back on the ground.

This reminded me that I’m too full of myself because I received achievements from my former area. It’s time to be back on square one.

Every duty should be treated as a toxic duty, so you won't get stunned much.

Not everyone has a perfect-less toxic duty, if you had it then, just be thankful for it.

With all said I learned my lessons and I’ll try best to apply them all on my next duty which is later at 10pm. God bless me.

Not yet time

I keep letting people feel I don't miss HD, but deep deep down my subconscious mind I effin' miss them.

There I said it!!! I guess it's not about her or anyone in the 3rd floor but all of the emotions stuck inside my chest last night should be blame with all my denial that I don't miss those freaking HD people plus there's no doubt that my estrogen levels are at peak right now. Urgggghh!

Last night was my first afternoon duty. To be honest I was kind a lost, it wasn't the best duty I ever had. Not to mention I was really bothered by the freaking' antibiotic! I hope I didn't do anything harmful to that patient. Now I realize how can my work be sooO helpful and harmful at the same time. I should be mOre cautious next time.

The people I'm with are nice too but there was one who is pretty tactless. Well, she was endorsed with me by someone but I just ignored what he said.Now, I know what he means when he said that. And it's no use if I'm gonna act like a sensitive wimpy teenager. Anyways, I'm used to teasing anyways. Someone I know from college gives me extra attention which I think might stir up a controversy. Yay! God bless me. I think  people there are not that warm like the HD people but to think of it, I'm still a stranger in that area and I still have to prove my worth to gain their trust like what I did at HD. 

Yesterday was not the best day of my life. Although I did things on time. I received some assistance which I'm so thankful but I prefer doing things on my own. (Sometimes I wish I'm NOT that proud! Must change attitude immediately!)

I saw almost all of the Jalysis people and I really appreciate their greetings but I guess that made my feelings worst aggravated by the not so tactful people of 3rd floor. TODAY, I wanna give my best! So they won't call on my name during endorsement. I still have a lot of things to learn and my bag is widely open to put them all together. 

Prayer: Father God in heaven I wanted to thank you for all the learning opportunities you are give me. May you guide me and be my personal mentor. I lift everything to you, every duty, every complement, every mistake, every learning experience I  gain. Make me a good person and make me a good nurse through all of this. In the name of the Jesus, my lord and savior. Amen.  

My Last Note for Him

I’ll make sure to keep my distance, say I love you when you’re not listening.

One thing I know about life which is absolute except from God is that you can’t get everything you want. Probably, that is one of God’s ways to keep everyone equal somehow. There are people who are blessed with material things, others are emotional blessed, spiritually blessed, socially blessed and so on. Personally, I think it’s hard to find someone who is blessed in all aspects in general, most especially in love.

So it all falls to the most overused term anyways—LOVE.  I would sound hypocrite if I’d say that I don’t like these kinds of topic because it’s damn good to talk about regardless of your present status.

This time I got to share mine. So mine was barely inexistent. It only exists if I choose to believe on it. Anyways, a data become officially a fact once you believe on it. In my case, depending on my mood and his behavior.

I met this eccentric guy on the second day of my hospital duty. He approached me, asked my name, introduced himself and we shook hands. From the time we held hands, a part of me thought that there’s something good that will happen ahead of us. It was a weird feeling with a drop of malice.

The first few weeks were rough. I was involved in a silent war between him and my friend which I was unaware of until my friend confessed everything to me— the conflict was my indirect fault. I got guilty cause before I got in, they were really good friends. Even though I was at fault, he didn’t take the blame on me but rather to my friend. I tried hard to mediate between them, I think I made difference but some external situations made their status worst. But I never gave up, now they are casual and we got closer.

He's my official mentor at the Dialysis Unit. He's the only one who gave me several opportunities to learn. Hard to accept but I owe him a lot. I don't know what he saw in me to give me that kind of attention but I really appreciate him for that. Because of him, I was able to discover my talents and enhanced my skills. It was through him that I got to prove myself with all the people inside the unit, I gained recognition, and I was valued. I was even tagged as an asset by our head. 

Nursing made us closer. We often had the same duty. He teases me when he gets the chance. He uplifts my spirit when he knows I’m feeling down. He assigned me to tasks I never handled and he helped me get through it too. He’s loud, bold, tactless, shameless, and a big flirt. He’s someone who you can easily like if you are shallow (like me) or easily hate if you weren’t able to open your mind. No doubt a lot of people hate him but I think girls find him attractive.

He got some principles with no sense. He will argue just to make fun of you. He will bathe you with all his premier sarcasm with an intention to ruin your day. He will intentionally laugh just to make you jealous. He will threat you just to make you attend some occasion. He will play while you get serious only to remind you to smile. Because of his childish acts, he is often misunderstood but I don’t.

I don’t know when or how it started but things went smooth for the both us. We don’t talk much, we seldom texts, we don’t sit next to each other, and we don’t get along much on parties but every time we had that chance to talk, to text, to sit next to other, be on the same party or simply just be closer—it brings a kind of elated feeling which should be taken in few doses or else we might loose our sanity and just let ourselves fall.

He sings songs. Songs with meanings intended to the people who hear it. I found the hint when a friend told me about the song he intentionally sang while that friend was in the same room. It's his funny way to express his feelings and thoughts. In my case, I always feel the giddy feeling  cause the songs he often sing while I'm around are about regrets cause he is committed. I find it hilarious and romantic really.

Unfortunately, our time together ended cause I was transferred to another area. For some reason, I think it's indispensable cause my feelings for him is getting serious and I don't like it much. He also starts to drop  inappropriate comments and beginning to act nice to me. 


I want to stop feeding the feeling because WE are impossible. If I let it continue, it's like me giving him license to hurt me. To think of it, it's best to separate without clearing things completely between us. It keeps the mystery alive and I like how that goes. I want to continue playing this guessing game until it fades eventually. 

Thanks! I enjoyed working with you too. You are never an ordinary colleague for me.  

Another 1st day

Today was a wrap! I lift everything to God who guided me well all through out my duty.

The day I was long waited for finally arrived and it was a great experience so far.  I got the chance to feel the adrenaline rush and sudden feeling of being lost AGAIN courtesy of the new area I’m assigned to. My 5 months of Dialysis duty are over and I’m now assigned at 3^rd floor ward.

I got to conquer my biggest enemy—morning gravity and I got to work on time. God is simply good to me when he sent Barce—my old HD buddy in the same sched as mine. He was really a huge help a while ago. My 1^st day of duty was definitely less stressful.

Opposite of what I heard, people at the 3^rd floor are kind of welcoming. It’s natural to feel out of place once in awhile but I think I can handle it. My first task in the floor is to give patient’s medications, take vital signs and monitor input & output. There are things I don’t know but I hope I’ll get use to it sooner.  The first 4 hours of duty wasn't busy at all but the other half was toxic especially the last 2 hours.  For some moment, I was taken back during my Laguna duty days where I have no time to spare and every second counts. Although I felt that “awful” feeling again, I’m relieved that I was able to pass that point of time and finished the task with less hassle. It feels good to conquer that one thing you are afraid off.

Some people were there to show their support and it was definitely comforting. I was visited by a college mate and he endorsed me with the staffs. Another person visited me on the floor and said hi. I was surprise he took the effort to do that. I don’t want to give meaning on everything he does but I was really touched even I didn’t show it much. He too endorsed me with the staffs and let me hear some good words from him about my performance at the Dialysis. Thanks to him I felt pressured; it was nerve wracking you know, but at the back of my mind, I want to make him proud and the whole Dialysis department. Besides he was my mentor and I like that fact.

I feel kind a indifferent probably because I wasn’t able to give everything I got. However, I want to remind myself that it was my FIRST day. You don’t expect to know and learn everything. Please give yourself time and treat every situation as another learning experience.

In conclusion my first day wasn’t that bad and I owe it to a lot of people and to God. Tomorrow is another day. With all the things I learned today, I hope I’m gonna perform better tomorrow.

My Jalysis End-of-Day-Thoughts

With my days counted at the Dialysis Unit, I wanted to share all my realization and end-of-day thoughts while I was there. May you find humor on every words I wrote.

In the morning…

~ I dunno much thing about love, though I know that if you like someone even small gestures mean big, loving someone make you think less rational, more stupid. 

~Treatment based on appearance- cruel, rude, mean but most of us practice it a lot. It’s one form inequality.

~There is no such thing as standards; people tend to adjust to cope in. It’s either you’ll stretch or play hard till you break. 

~I often feel alone, but I trained myself to deal with it for most time. Now if I could just make a hole on my luggage so it won’t get full. That would be awesome I guess, be it with my co-volunteers, relatives, I guess I can crown myself as the ultimate awkward queen. 

~Why do I have to think of all my mistakes when I’m out of thoughts, when I can commend myself of all the good things I've done.

~Intentionally pleasing people is an awful practice, when you can do your own thing then WOW them later.

~Why did you say that? Do I look like I’m someone who can’t be trusted? I’m sorry…

~They said truth lies within the subconscious mind, I believe on that but not in his case.

Noon time..

~Ok, inhale..exhale..I just got a tip that has driven me nuts (OMG!) This is too much! but I can definitely assure you I’m fine,  absolutely fine. I have to put myself together, be calm like always..I have to grab any chance I can get.

~If he likes you then he’ll text you, so don’t you even dare to expect! yikes!

~You gave me few strong reasons not to like you and those are good enough to focus my attention to something else better.

~People favor those with good looks, there are plenty of reasons, as for me, if he’s getting too much attention, mine would be irrelevant, better spend it to others.

~I asked you to continue being nice to me and you did, but I think I don’t want to carry on with this craze.

~Life is a big game, learn to play it well. So, they’re playing and now it’s my turn. I don’t want to continue being the loser and I swear I’ll never quit.

~The problem is, you’re not interesting enough.

~He reminds me of my kuya. We are siblings but we’re not friends, I got this feeling that he just wants me to learn but at times I feel like he is just pointing out my mistakes and is just mocking me. He wanted to impose that it’s his territory therefore I should act like I’m less than him, but my brain rejects that idea. I wanted to think that he intends to teach me.

~Do not misinterpret! Never expect!

~Be strong. The Lord is my refuge I shall not fear.

Afternoon..

~You are like my favorite comfort food serve on the silver platter, too bad I can’t take a bite. I crave to have a taste of you but I know you’re bad for me. You’re going to make me loose my mind and I’ll be out of my diet.

~People are full of themselves that they don’t care of others. It’s rare to see someone who will fill up the empty space even if one feels full.

~The one that makes us happy is also the person accountable for our greatest sorrow and pains.

~One of the best days ever. Knowing you trust me feels so good and being able to deliver what you wanted simply completed my whole day.

~One thing I dislike about feeling happy is the thought that sadness exists and is just hanging around the corner.

~I’m just a volunteer. I got my limits. I can’t take over and overpass my superior.

~Hambog ka! Arogante! Immature! Sumpongin! Now I know what Leah means.

~Things I should be thankful for: God, Pair of Parents, Degree,  Capable, Talents, Skills

~Don’t give me reasons to hate you.

Late Afternoon..

~I’m getting kind a tired of writing about you.

~You got tons of estrogen in your system more than a girl has. Your mood shifts like a teenager on a period. You annoy me more than a three year old kid in a tantrum. You confuse me like a hard to solve math problem. You give me headaches like I’m gonna  make a 1k word essay. You give me heartaches like my first fail attempts.

~There’s a thin line between confidence and arrogance; and most times it crosses the line.

~Kind a surprise that my feelings subsided in just a few weeks. I guess your flaws which are more than the scars on my legs did the magic. But seriously you are one hell of a problematic guy, I pity you every time you get into trouble though you have your ridiculous ways of getting back on your feet and make everyone feel miserable more than you do. Feb 1 is getting near and I wish it’ll never come cause I know it’ll never be the same week again (1/23-27)

~And so tinopak kananaman, you’re the ultimate jerk ever! You smile today, smirk tomorrow and ignore me the next day. Having you around feels like I’m standing between edges and it’s not the best feeling in the world. I still got something for you but I wanted it gone. It’s the very first time I doubted my feelings and instincts. I feel like you’re into me but never did anything to express and confirm.

~Sometimes things go smoothly but often it doesn’t. Be thankful if you had a great day cause not everyone has it.

~Parting is inevitable, you made great friends and you are bound to make more.

~I don’t understand why people turn their backs and walk away at times when you badly need them.

~Don’t dare loose your balls!

~I’ve been soaked with too much positivity these days that I’ve been immune to sadness which I’ve experienced for long months. Does this mean unfortunate events are all OVER?

~I ultimately hate you. I’m annoyed when you are happy, seriously I hate the way you laugh. I hate the way you make your voice so loud insensitively. I hate that you are happy while I’m sad. I hate that you sleep while I work hard.

~I know how to make you feel angry and I enjoy doing it.haha

~I think I already passed the giddy stage and now I’m on mature level.

Evening…

~I’m over it.

~It’s ok to like me but don’t get too attached. You’ll just make it hard for both of us. Let’s just enjoy the moment and just let things fade in time.

~Shoot! Why do I smile when images of you fooling around flashes!?

~We all have choices. It’s either you’re scared or lazy to make one and at times you’re too contented of where and what you are right now.

~Goal? Is it too please? To prove? To dream? For money? Proven! Follow your dream. Love what you do and good things happen.

~People are all crazy about love, baket?! Can’t they take a break!?

~If you want it, you will it, if you will it, it will be yours.

~You made friends along with memories and you are bound to make more.

~Most people will not listen unless they have something to gain from it.

~A day in your life, fate will play on you. You’ll get hit by someone you never expected to like. Hoping you are just mistaken, you misunderstood and hated.  You hurt her just to find out, you fell for her and pretty much it’s too late. Just an advice: Stop feeding your feelings and it’ll die soon. Stop hurting when you’re unsure.

I wasn't surprise this was a pretty long post, besides this is the summary of all my HD dilemma, thoughts, realizations and dramas. I wanted to conclude that I successfully done my part in the unit but it's odd to claim that myself.c:

Last few days

I only got two days remaining in the dialysis unit. People are asking me when I will get transferred in the 3rd floor. I'm not really sure what's on their mind. Whether they are excited or really saddened by my departure. 

Regardless of the their ulterior motives, I appreciate their words. Some are not sincere but few are really are.I can sense it. I intentionally act like things are gonna be ok for me, though deep inside I'm not intact  and shattered . But I'm getting used to this kind of feeling and my mind tend to learn to resist worry and depression just to cope in.

So I'm gonna be transferred from the most comfortable area to the busiest section of the hospital aka 3rd floor. I choose to be excited. 

Before I got in the hospital I prepared myself for the worst but fortunately God has been good to me and he put me in the most relaxed department- the Dialysis unit. I've been there for 4 months and I'm having a great time. Though one moment I questioned myself whether I really belong there and there was a time I lost the fire and just want to quit. 

Now, that I'm gonna leave the unit, I feel divided. One half wants to stay and other is extremely excited of leaving and exploring the outside. Probably 40/60. It's a good thing I think that the greater part of me wants to go out. Cause I really want to learn more other than dialysis.

Now, as the end comes near, I feel appreciated. I hear good words and they are sort of comforting. Words from sincere people really goes straight to the heart. They said I'm good; I deserve to be there, to stay; I'm an asset; #1 on evaluation and other overwhelming words. I choose not take them by heart but I lifted them up to my creator. HE really guided me well.

Two more duties and I'm done with dialysis. I know STRESS is ahead of me but I'm still excited. I wanna figure out something. I wanna learn more medical stuffs. I wanna meet new people. I wanna be with my friends. I wanna conquer what was said to be impossible. I wanna prove something in behalf of the dialysis people. That people from there shouldn't be underestimated rather should be given the same respect like the other people outside. 

With HIS help all things are possible. 

He, His and Him

9 o’clock in the evening was the call time of his party. I was feeling uneasy the whole day. I can’t pin point the reason of the uneasiness but I’ll try to remember some of the highlights of the party.

Three days before the D-day, he invited me to come to his “Thanksgiving Party”. I asked him what we should be thankful for? He said he was finally promoted as staff. That’s actually good news for him but not for me. Promotion for him means no movement for me but that doesn’t really bother me. He’s my mentor anyways.

I asked him if I could bring in some friends. With that I mean, I’m gonna invite Gracing and Matwa.  He actually doesn’t like Gracing that much. So I’m practically teasing him when I said that. To my surprise he agreed and what is shocking is..he even invited her personally.

Two days before, he invited me again and I refused. I said I’m gonna visit a friend in Guagua which is true but it’s not an urgent matter. I’m just enjoying see him act out and he’s really funny when he does that.

A day before, we didn’t talk that much cause he has some visitor in the unit. But when I’m about to go home he didn’t let me go until I said yes. To think of it, I shouldn’t be so conscious with all the attention he is giving me. I guess I can’t blame myself if I intentionally misinterpret what he says and he does.

When you like someone, you become less rational.

D-day came. It was just last night. I went to T’s house because we agreed that we will go together. I went there late afternoon. We watched some Glee episodes and talked about stuffs. She even had some diarrhea episodes, probably because she is really excited to see one person in the party who happens to be not present.

We arrived at the venue right on time. A saw him with his girls. He didn’t even say hi but I’m already used to it. We do that all the time. That night I was really on a drinking mode. I’ve been sober for quiet a while and I wasn’t able to drink it out the time I was stress. I tried all the cocktails he prepared I don’t care about the people. I was sort of researching so I can choose the best drink on Friday (Ex-Jalysis VNs Parteh).

Now, T observed that he is giving me all the prepared cocktails which is nothing to me. I realized it’s one way of getting my attention. I wanna recall all the quick conversation we had but I couldn’t cause I got a little bit tipsy but here are some.

He said, “makatats”. He means he was touched that we were present. T said my legs are smooth and supple. He said “patouch”. We were about to go home when he complemented about my figure. He said ‘’sexy napin eh”.

Those few words are enough to complete my night. I don't want too much of him..just enough is OK. I’m uncomfortable of him acting kind and everything but I appreciate it a lot. He’s not really like that with everyone. 

He’s an ass but he can be the best mentor. He’s a jerk but he will tell thing honestly. He’s sarcasm is through the roof but that’s his way to let you understand things easily. He can either ruin or make your day. He is one heck of an eccentric guy that people may hate and love at the same time.

Exodus

Yesterday should have been a difficult day for me. Thank goodness a friend save me from all the drama and made me accept things gradually. I did shed some tears in the elevator but surprisingly it soon dried up. 

I guess for some reason, deep down my subconscious mind I'm ready for this.

First day of March, around 3pm, I went inside the pantry cause I'm about to go home. My head approached me and told me about what was discussed in recent board meeting. He mentioned about the decision of the board to get new machines for the dialysis, the bad news is, they will not promote VNs to trainees. 

I wasn't devastated by the fact that I won't get promoted. Rather I was saddened by his intention to make me decide about my future in the hospital, whether to stay or leave.. He informed me that my batch mates are about to be promoted and I'm  gonna be left out. I got no issue with that but some people think that it would be unfair for me if I won't get promoted too.

This reminded me of my real intention of getting inside the hospital. I thought this would be my chance to fulfill what I really came there for. To learn as much as I can so it wouldn't be difficult for me to cope when I got out of the country. Although I still can't stop myself to get emotional when I think of the fact that I will leave  people who I already got used to see everyday. 

Dialysis unit is a great workplace. It isn't perfect but it is a happy place. However, these past few days my life has been hard. I thought of quitting and all morbid stuffs. I cried, prayed and asked God for his guidance. Now, He answered. 

A while ago, I was asked to go to the chief nurse office. Like expected our chief nurse wants the good for me. She pulled the trigger of the gun I'm holding. She decided what's suppose to be the best to do for me and that is to get into the nursing services. To think of it, I've been subconsciously wanting to be rotated ever since my friends got out from the dialysis unit. Now, I guess I got my wish granted in the right time. 

Honestly, everything is going on a slow motion for me right now. Things aren't sinking and I haven't contemplated my position and what is ahead of me. I guess my mind choose not to worry, I'll reserve it on March 11. 

See u guys in the floor!

On my Own

I woke up this morning early despite I went to bed super late. I'm glad that I still have the drive to face things as usual. Besides, life will never stop if I allow myself sink into sadness and depression.

I have to stand on my weakened feet and keep going, cause I'm literally on my own now.

Not that I blame my friends but having friends taught me to be dependent. It's not a bad thing but like everything else too much dependency isn't good. I guess in these times, I got to attached, so the amount of affection I invested is equal to the pain I got caused by goodbyes.

It's rare to find someone who can fill up the space even if you feel full. 

I believe I learned a lesson about dependency before but I guess life lessons are ought to be revisited to remind me of the things I've missed or forgotten. I was independent before. I could make escape routes. I did know how to deal with things with plan A,B,C and even D. Now I have to get back to that old self quick. It's a must need. God bless me.

Quit

QUIT, this is the top trending topic on my head right now.

Few days ago, one of my HD buddy- Tin just quit from the hospital where we work. I was extremely saddened by the fact that we won't be able to see each other often.

Tin is one of my founding support at the hospital, she taught me a lot of things that intelligent-acting people don't know. She is genuine, easy going and just..light. She might be causing trouble at times but I like her a lot. Her energy can light a room and her gloominess can also darken it up. Few people misunderstood her but I'll be always there to defend her.

She went to the unit one day cause I said I miss her. I was delighted to see her but to my surprise she delivered the news that she has resigned. I felt terribly sad. Thinking of her just a floor down from where I am felt like I'm secured and knowing that she is going far away is just...depressing.

I don't have much friends cause I value quality over quantity so I tend to break down when I loose one. I'm not really at my best condition right now. In fact, I'm at my worst. Probably, it's because of the hormones, or the people and situation I'm in right now, or maybe the artificial tooth I accidentally swallow this morning (urghhh!). I definitely need a BREAK before I reached the peak and just break down.

As of the moment, I lost the fire. That one thing the fuels me up every time I wake up in the morning and pushes me to bathe, to eat, walk and work. Given all of these roller coaster emotions, quitting isn't an option for me. I took it out from my dictionary from the time I learned how big my responsibilities are.

I prescribed myself with 2 days hospital break. DONE

and that ONE thing…

Yesterday was an ultimate bliss for me. I was surprise of the amount of attention you gave me in the midst of beautiful people surrounding us. It just felt good and refreshing.

I was on hype yesterday. Probably, I’m more comfortable in the unit as ever before but still I’m uncertain of my lifespan there. I want to set limit myself but I can’t stop from falling in love to that place.

The HD unit has a certain charisma that everyone enjoys and when it’s time to go out, people tend to break down and plead for a longer time to stay. I may not witnessed the old situations but the way my friends acted when their time to leave arrived—was excruciating. Other stories I heard were the same. I feel kind a blessed that I’m still there up till now (though I’m unsure if I am meant there for real).

I want to understand that “charisma” I’m talking about.

Is it because of the staff? The staff are really friendly and accommodating. They are fun to be with most of the time. Although there are issues beneath the smiles, I find it normal—that’s how family is.

Is it because of the nature of work? Dialysis treatment is a pure routine. Initiate. Process. Terminate. Once you mastered them all, you are good to go. The work itself isn’t demanding and tiring like with other departments. One reason why VNs go major adjustment when they got rotated to other department especially to MS wards.

Is it because of the work schedule? The Dialysis unit is open from 7am-9pm. Unlike other nursing departments it only requires an 8-hour duty. Sunday is a sure day-off.

Is it because of the patients? The patients might be demanding and choosy at times but that adds spice to the unit. The patients are treated like family and like a family they share a lot. Most often, they bring food to be shared by the staff. At times, I think that’s one reason why I’m still there cause I gotta gain serious weight.

I can’t really pin point what’s the unit’s major charisma  but I can say that I’m falling to it..badly. However, there’s something inside me that stops me from bringing it in. Maybe I don’t want to indulge myself too much cause I feel guilty when I think of my friends. Maybe, I’m not yet ready to show the real me in fear of violent reactions. Maybe, I’m scared cause my position inside the unit isn’t sure yet and I might go through the same process like the old VNs who left the unit and gone big adjustments.

I don’t want to be lenient. I don’t wanna be complacent. I just want to do my part and enjoy what I’m doing. Besides, it’s not where I work but how I do things happily.

HateChu

Every time  you get close, I try hold back and push you away. I’m scared you’ll get fond of me and people will misinterpret. The worst, you’ll eventually develop feelings for me and things will turn into horror.

As an older sister, I want you to be happy but I’m not suppose to be the one who will provide that. I want to see you walking on the right direction with people who can direct you well. I want to hear good things from other people and just feel proud about your accomplishments. I wanna be someone who will be behind your back, going unnoticed. Hope you’ll do good.

Your presence burns me and it hurts but at the same time it excites me and I know I shouldn’t feel that way. How can I stop myself from hurting? It hurts when you’re away and it also hurts when you’re close. I wanna stop this misery? How can I end it.

I swear it feels like I’m bleeding inside when you had your new pet and she performs well, better than I do. I guess you want to remind me of something. I feel wrong to think negatively about her but I guess I’m just a jealous bitch after all.

There, I said it! I suck on dealing with these kind of feelings. Not to mention my hormones are definitely running wild right now. I hate the way I feel ,seriously.

This is the main reason why I hate feeling so happy because of you. WHY? Cause definitely you will make the next day horrible.

The best HD Buddies

It’s been 2 days without my HD buddies and I’m still getting by. It’s feels really different without them. I don’t know why but for some reason I feel like I’m hanging on a thread…again. Like any moment, the thread will either break or I’ll let my hand slip from it. This is just the same feeling I had during my first few weeks at the unit— UNCERTAINTY.

The replacement VNs we had are ok but I’m still longing for the old crazy and funny buddies I had. I realized it’s natural to feel this way and I hate that I had to go through it. I wonder whether my laguna buddies felt the same way when I left them.

Another insult to the injury is my mentor who acts like a jerk, messing up with me every single duty. I feel his intention, shoving  it to my face that I did wrong when I got too attached with the old volunteers. It’s not really my fault cause we were just compatible and everything followed.

Not all people will understand how a relationship  form and works in spite of  all the external and internal factors surrounding them. But, I guess that’s the magic that lies within.

My mind right now is not as clear as before. I think a lot and I consider possibilities and opportunities. It’s not the same when you had those people who understands you. I know parting is part of life and I thought I’m well prepared. Too bad it sunk late and I reacted on delay.

As of now, I’m trying to put things on order by making myself busy and preoccupying my mind with important matters. Though at times I can’t  stop myself from thinking about those people who taught me a lot of things, made me a good person, showed the part of me who I don’t know, and made me realize that life is not contained in a box.

I’m gonna keep you in my heart forever: Tin, Lei and Barce.

Asset

Two days ago, me and the rest of the VNs at the unit where I work in was asked to visit the chief nurse office. Reason: DELIBERATION. Back in college the word deliberation is correlated with expulsion or something that will pull you out of the school grounds. It’s the kind of process that every student doesn’t want to go through.

This time, I’m out of school and I’m practicing the profession I studied for four years. Deliberation means differently now, it’s an evaluation that is often done to inform us what to improve and what to preserve.

And so I was the one who was first deliberated. Honestly, my mind was somewhat prepared for what is going to happen. I just need a confirmation and it was confirmed. I was bound to stay in the Dialysis Unit. I was requested by the head nurse because according to him, “I’m an asset.”

ASSET. A useful or valuable thing, person, or quality (said Google).

I’m the kind of person who often assumes things in the future and most of the time things I assumed happens. I already anticipated that I’m gonna be in the unit longer, not because I’m good or something, but because one of the staff is going to resign soon. But I never expected that it’ll happen, at the back of my mind, I’m getting ready for rotation. I’m mentally and emotionally preparing myself for a major adjustment.

Back to the deliberation process. For some reason I was happily trembling while the chief nurse is reviewing my performance. I received good words and it was overwhelming. However, she also informed me that one of the staff who happens to be my mentor is on HOT SEAT and there’s a possibility that he might be forced to be rotated to other department or worst forced to resign. Sadly, I’m the replacement. 

I felt seriously saddened by this fact. To think that the one who taught me will eventually be gone and I, his student will act as the beneficiary. I felt heavy, burdened, and troubled. It was definitely not the best feeling in the world.

I was with 3 VNs and we were all deliberated. Unfortunately, I was the only VNs who’s going to stay in the unit. The rest will be rotated to different departments and face new challenges ahead- which I was ready for. I’m happy at the Dialysis Unit but at the back of my mind, I wanted to go and experience more outside the unit, but given the decision, I have no choice.

I was reading about Hemodialysis a while ago and I got aware that my knowledge about the illness and the process is really low. For some reason, I realize God’s plan. He doesn’t want me to leave without mastering what I’ve learned. Three months isn’t enough to learn everything. He wants me to experience something and learn more both in the medical field and life. I know God has a big plan for me and I just want to lift everything to him because I trust his decisions and plans for me.

GLORY TO GOD.