Test

I feel like I was tricked and tested yesterday. After that boosting article about the "I'm smart thing", my guts was tested with a number of circumstances last night. When I look on the bigger picture I feel happy I got through it.

I realize it's not all about me but also with the people that surrounds me on duty. I came to the idea that I can't do things alone. I'll be safe from disappointments and frustrations if I'm going to be with the rude and lazy ones. Seriously, this is quite a revelation to me.

Yesterday was suppose to be a crazy night but I end up in a very good mood. I was with some of the most competent and helpful people in the floor and it was a blast. I hope I'll be with them more often cause they are really good to be with.

Yes, the introspection I did  yesterday was awesome but if wasn't with these cool people last duty I would be probably down again. Seriously, they really gained my respect. Cheers to mam EU and sir Marki!

Today is my off and the next 4 duties ahead of me are expected to be gruesome and toxic. But I'll be the best that I can and help people as much as I can without having motives. It's good to be with some of the good guys in order to learn few simple but important things.

Thank you God for teaching me the valuable lessons of life.

Enough!

It's Friday and god! I'm really loosing my grip of time. I wake up in the morning, eat, go to work then, watch movies and sleep. Those were my routine every single day ever since I started working. Is this what it means to be an adult?

I never walk in this road before so I'm pretty much unfamiliar with what is this adolescence is all about. I'm a stranger in the island called adulthood and even though I'm 24 already, I'm feel like I gate crashed in this stage and felt like I don't belong. 

What is this adolescence all about?

Some people are doing it well and managing the level nicely. At this age, they are well paid, they travel, they already have things they call their own, their parents are really  proud of them, they were able to help other people, most important of all, they know what they're doing and where they are heading. 

Sometimes I wonder whether they already been on this road where I am. I guess not, cause I think they were never lost. How did they do things professionally? Did they cheat like what I do on games? Did they take a shortcut? Or I guess they received an awesome tip from someone who knows it all, someone who mastered this very complicated puzzle known as life.

I wish I have a mentor who will tell me what to do but think of it I'm not a robot. I got this ability to think and reason. I should know what is right and what should be done. Though at times I loose my common sense because of too much thinking I guess. 

I'am smart. My mom, dad and some people outside my clan told me so. I know it myself but the thing is, I sometimes forget that I'm above average and end up acting dumb to avoid heavy expectations and responsibilities. Looking at the bigger picture, I'm a mess. I'm a rat. I'm a loser. I hate that word but I guess I am. 

Talk about loserdome, I'am a loser for quite a while but I WON'T let this continue. 

I'm SMART. I'm CAPABLE. I know I  CAN.

Too much of this lonesome loser days, this is enough. Gotta show the real me. Goodbye fears!

FOCUS. BE SMART. BE GREAT! 

TO GOD BE THE GLORY!

Bye June, Hello July

I was looking at the right side of this blog, particularly the months and the number of the posts I made. I noticed I missed June. It reminded me of how miserable I was the past month that I even forgot to update this blog.

Let me tell you about my June. June had been a horrible month for me. I don't even have one particular memory I felt happy, well except from the arrival of dad from overseas. But anyhow, June was a very rude month to me especially at my workplace. 

I always wanted to prove myself to people on behalf of the people who are important to me . But I felt like I failed them a couple of times and I never done anything to make them proud. June was one of those moments when I just wanted to stop cause I was too ashamed of myself. 

Good thing, with all the stupidity I committed, I'm still IR free. Anyone who works in the hospital doesn't want that on their record. God is definitely good to me.

Anyways, I got by just fine. It's July now and it started out just fine. I feel fine. I feel ok, just so-so. Now I'm keeping my fingers crossed with the things that are yet to come. I know God has plans and I trust him with all of my heart.

Be One

With my 24 years of existence, I can safely conclude that I'm not a very social person. Probably, if I would rate myself, I would be below average when it comes to that aspect. I guess it is rooted from my childhood or I just want to be alone for most times. 

Believe it or not, I never had intimate relationship with someone. In short, I never had a boyfriend.That doesn't mean that no one had ever expressed interest in me. I turned down some people FYI. I can't say exactly why but I got a lot reasons why but I can deny that I'm scared.

Although I have faith with desensitization, I still can't figure out why I feel distant with my co-workers and I why I don't feel attachment to most of them. Is this normal? Is it because of I'm originally an introvert?

On one hand, I've overcome extreme awkwardness when dealing with people before. But I've gone through the same awful before. I don't know what happen but it just happen and everything feel into place. All of a sudden I became one of them and became family.

I wish it will be all like that after a while. 

My not-so-good habit

Just looking at the time interval of the last post I had, one can conclude that I've been extremely busy these past few weeks. I guess I was but not exactly, I just got out of track. I realized that thinking is a very wasteful habit.

"Thinking", it's a very smart habit. Like everyone say, "Think before doing something. Think of a plan. Think of the consequences. Think." 

However, too much thinking isn't good which can be synonymous to worrying. I read of a phrase about worrying- that it is a down payment of a problem you may never have. 

So what's the point?

I've been losing my precious time these past few weeks because of WORRYING. I've been overly conscious of the things I do and whether I'm doing them right. I'm worried of what other people are thinking and what they are labeling me. I'm stressed over the things I still don't know but I should have. I'm worried about my future and when will I take the next step to make something big. These small things keeps freaking me out and I'm trying to block the negative thoughts but I guess I can't stop the leakage. 

Somewhere behind my mind is the thought that I can go through it if I just keep moving forward. Besides I know it's normal to feel this way occasionally. Although I observed that this "over thinking" is becoming a sick habit of mine. 

I know I can't stop myself from thinking. It's inevitable. But I wanted to manage it and eliminate the excess. My solution? I want to regain my focus. Just like how I did it in high school where I miraculously ended up on top. To concentrate on things that matters most and leave the extra baggage behind. Now, the big question is how will I do it?

One answer I have right now is JUST DO IT. 

(Suddenly I feel great!)