When I started to open up

One thing I fear about relationship is being hurt and causing pain to someone who matters. I guess  that’s one of the risks when you open your heart to people. Too bad I haven’t master the skills on dealing about these stuffs. I must admit, I’m a toddler when it comes to this.

From I where I work, I’m very fortunate to meet new folks who I share the same interest with. They are different people with distinct attitude, personality, views, thoughts and opinions. Fortunately, one thing keeps us together and that is our profession—NURSING. Like anything else, it was a rough road at first but we manage to get through it and now we are understood each other better.

By this time, we are really close, I guess more than colleagues should be. Too bad this relationship should be tested and there we’ll find if this is for real. Unfortunately, I initiated the test, thanks to my blabber mouth.

So it goes like this, “SHE” said I said something to “HIM” that “HE” thought is suppose to be a secret between the two of them. “HE”’s gone mad when “HE” knew I know the secret and “HE” called “HER” and said rude things to “HER”. “HE” even asked our superior to rotate “HER” and probably me too to another  unit.

There was a time when I noticed that everyone is like treating me like I’m invisible. I thought there’s something wrong about me and I feel like I’m completely out of place. Never thought there’s something going on behind my back and I almost loose a good friend.

I think one of the best thing that happened to me this year is making an eccentric, fun and great friend. She confessed to me everything and I feel terrible that I had caused her one good potential friend. I never felt this way before. I was suppose to be insensitive to others’ situation even if I have an indirect fault but this time it’s different.

I guess one thing is true, I have opened up to this girl and I like her that I feel pain when she’s going through it.

Things are getting better

I said “things” with that I mean there are several things I should be thankful and happy these past few days. Rainy days are over and although there are puddles on the streets, I’ll get by with my white uniform.

Last time I check I’ll be celebrating my second month stay at the HD unit. Time passed so fast I didn’t notice I got over my anxiety induced nausea every time I think about my hospital duty. My relationship with the HD staff is better. There are still barrier but I can tell that things are a lot better than my first week. We are much comfortable with each other. I guess the turning point was when I attended the Nursing Services X-mas Party where I had to show my party-girl side (boys are really something!).

A month ago I was completely insecure with the girl with the long hair but like any trends, it changes. I’m not saying that I’m the new IT girl now but I’m   getting enough attention though I’m not really sure of the reason. Nonetheless I appreciate them all.

When it comes to duty I sort a master the routine except from cannulation and other technical stuffs. Cannulation depends on the patient (well at least that’s what my perspective) and others can be learned through experience, I’m open about learning them thoroughly.

By the way, someone gave me a tip that they are considering me to be the next trainee (seriously!? like I still don’t know what to do during emergency cases). The source was pretty reliable but I’m not buying. Although I’m really happy that they had seen and recognized my skills and potential even in a short period of time .

P.S. I have new friends now namely, Leah, Tin, Mark and Mike. I’m certain if Sir Don, Mar and Mike can be considered as friends but they seem to be nice to me.

ME

I swore myself (like few days back) that I will stop hurting myself. Apparently, something is bothering me right now and I’m scared that I may end up bleeding (again!!!???).

I really don’t want to accept it right now but I realize, “the only way to prevent any complication is to diagnose the illness and know where it’s coming from.”

It’s not them, it’s not her but it’s ME.

I can’t hate her cause she’s pretty. I can’t blame them either cause they are just ordinary people who see much of the outer shell of a person. I guess this is the reason why I hate guys. SHALLOW.

Diagnosis: Hate r/t insecurities and exaggerated consciousness of what others have over what I have.

What should I do? Even beautiful  people have insecurities so how can I isolate myself?

One month had past and the long conservative-black-hair fever is getting a phenomenon even leaping to patients. I feel terribly awkward when people in unit shows their fondness to her in front me. I don’t know what to do and say. I really thought, I already improved my social skills through the years but I guess I did for only a few percentage.

For the record, all the boys in the HD unit are all crazy about her except from our head which gender is unsure. Now, I realize the girls are NOT(?) or is it just me.

First three days at HD unit

Did I ever mention that I feel good whenever I wear my nursing uniform. I take pride with my profession and when I’m able to do what I love, there’s a spark of happiness in the midst of stress.

How I wish I still got my crazy friends in Laguna but since they are not here, I just have to find other ways to take out all the stress toxins.

Today is my first duty at the dialysis unit at the new hospital I’m rendering my volunteer services. I least expected to be assigned there but for some reason I’m grateful that I got there first. The people are friendly and they taught us several things, I wasn’t able to pick up most of them but I really appreciate every tips of advices they release.

First day was pure orientation and we handled some basic tasks. I was kind a surprise that almost all of the staff there were a year or two younger than me. There’s a part of me that feels embarrassed when I’m being taught by young ones. But no big deal. I was with a Leah, another new volunteer like me.

Second day, I was with Michael, like me he’s a newly accepted volunteer though he just graduated this year. This day I was able to record a video of the termination routine and it became really helpful.

Today was my third day and it has been the best so far. I was with Leah and Cath. Cath is also a volunteer but she has been there for 8 months. The first quarter has been really quiet but the climax started at around 11 am where most of the patient are about to terminate the procedure. I finished two machines though I messed up on the second. Good thing I learned to teach myself how to view things positively and just set mistakes as learning experiences. Also, I was able to cannulate a patient today who happens to be my aunt (just knew it a while ago). It wasn’t as successful as it should be, but I must commend myself (appropriate? lol) with what I did. Besides, it was my first time, anyways. At around 4:30 pm, the remaining patients are all subject for termination. Another great opportunity for me, cause I was able to handle 3 machines with minimal assistance. Now, I can tell that I’m now confident when it comes to termination of the dialysis machine.

To sum it up, my first three days at the dialysis unit was very productive. You bet I pushed myself real hard just not to make myself look like an amateur. Next stop, priming and initiation. This time I got no video handy but I’m fine.

Goodluck!

All about luck

When you think fate is getting good on you, watch out!!! cause it has its’ funny ways to remind you that you are not lucky at all.

Today is Friday and we Filipinos have this saying relating Friday and misfortunes. I’m no believer until I experienced it myself. This is not the first time that I thought about misfortunes. Every time I experienced something bad (which nowadays happens often), I automatically rethink of my ways and remember if I did something bad to someone. I’m really allergic to Karma these days.

Let me tell you what happen to me today and how I laugh about it.

I work online and I got a lot of writings to do. So I decided to start early and logged on to my team viewer (that seldom happens cause I’m pretty lazy). Two hours after, I noticed my modem’s light blinking like its’ getting my attention intentionally. I don’t want to think or rather entertain the idea that my service provider cut my internet connection even before my due date—tomorrow . But for some reason I hopped into my pants and decided to pay my bill today or rather tonight.

Here in the Philippines we got this mini public transportation which can only accommodate three people—called tricycle. I had to take a ride with that to get to the main highway. Luckily, I almost had a free ride when I only paid P10 instead of the regular fare. Wohoo! I saved P10!!!(LUCKY)

So I got to my provider’s service center on time, before the mall closes (LUCKY). I paid more than I had to, for some reason I feel that I had to do it. I decided to go home. I don’t know if I did the right thing but I went out the mall hurriedly and didn’t take the normal route. Half-way through the jeepney terminal, bam!, my left slipper left its right partner. Then thoughts of walking barefooted come into my mind and I certainly assured myself that won’t happen. I tried repairing it but to no avail I failed. So, I hold on to my cellphone, good thing I had it loaded (LUCKY). I think of people to call, my mom? my siblings? my friend?…my boyfriend? huh? when did I have one?.

Anyways, I end up with no one and decided not to bother anyone. As always, do things on my own, like an independent woman on training. I approached a tricycle driver near by and asked him if he can take me straight home. Unfortunately, he is waiting for someone so he couldn’t instead he took me to the terminal (still LUCKY).

At the terminal, the new tricycle driver asked me how much would I pay him but he didn’t want to negotiate so he just called another tricycle and left me. I decided not to negotiate further cause this is not the perfect time to do it. Or else, I’ll be walking bare footed to the next terminal. This new driver asked me to pay higher than the first one and I just had to agree. On my way home, I ponder some thoughts about fate and I feel the urge to blog about it. I thought, “Fate is really unpredictable.”

When we are only a ride away from my house, the tricycle I’m into stopped. The driver said his fuel ran out. Huh! I knew it fate is playing and it’s kind a funny. I paid the driver and asked him to call another tricycle since the terminal is quite close. On my home, I realized that driver stabbed me and fate stabbed him since he took advantage of my situation. Instead of feeling down with all the misfortunes I had today, I laugh. I think I’m getting used to with all the misfortunes I’m getting. You know, I always pray for God to make me strong and I think this is his way of doing.

Another thing I learned is that we should try not to take these misfortunes as big deal. Never highlight it cause it will just lead to frustration and disappointment. Just take a glimpse of it, then smile.

My phone pals

I attended a farewell party of one of my closest friend, Aiza. She’ll take her flight on August 26 to Hawaii where her fiancée is. Since she’s about to go on a far away place, it’ll be impossible for us to occasionally meet and this has brought me to some realization.

I met Aiza in a call center training seminar. She stood out among the crowd (despite her petite stature), I guess it’s normal for a teacher. Her aura alone signals her presence in a room and it’s impossible for you not to notice her. We didn’t belong to the same group during those times. She belongs to a group of girls which seems to play as the “it” girls in the campus. Never thought we’ll get along well cause I’m not under the same genre.

We never had a chance to get along until the first elimination of prospect agents happened, which divided the group into the promising ones and the needs-improvement group. Lucky we got into the first set of people to step up to the next level.

Since we were in  the same group and surprisingly, shares the same interest, we started to hang out, then gradually became friends. She’s older than me so she often shares a lot of her experiences. And that includes her experiences with men. She’s confident and that is one trait that I didn’t have much. Honestly, I envied her for that or rather I adored her for it.

At the end of the training, we both passed and included among the top students. Eventually, we were endorsed in the floor and we were lucky to be together. Until she decided to drop out, and after two week I did too.

Two weeks later, she got a job from a tutorial center and as expected she’s been doing well. She called me and asked me to apply. I got in and so our adventure continues. We had the best time of our lives on those times together with our same-level-header-friend, Yani. We were crazy, happy and free. Our job isn’t easy but we never mind cause it’s just fun to be with the people who you are most comfortable with.

There was a time that I had to say goodbye because I need to do what I was made to do. I bid goodbye. After a few months, I was asked to comeback and I did. Happy times are here again.

Then the time came where Aiza had to go to pursue her own life too. And it seems like it feels empty without her so I also bid my farewell again. Yani was left and had to take over the responsibility left my Aiza as the head. of the tutorial center.

Now, after a year, we finally got our presence back in one place. Back to Aiza’s party, we reminisce back our times together.There were crazy videos that was shown. We laugh and laugh and..laugh hilariously. All of us never thought we did those things. It was freakin’ awesome like it’s the last time we’ll see each other.

P.S. The title reflects the job we shared in the call center and online tutorial company where we worked.

Imma Say A

Did I ever mention that I'm a big fan of Miss A *cough* suzy *cough*.

I was never been a fan of Kpop, just a fan of Kdramas. One day a certain group named Wondergirls snatched my attention through their synchronized dance moves on their official music video of the song Nobody which also became dance craze in the Philippines.Then, Sandara Park (ex-Philippine actress) got into the business through 2ne1 then I got more acquainted with Kpop.

But it was when I watched Dream High that increased my interest. There were a lot of controversies about the drama but I really didn’t care. High school dramas + music + cool dance moves + pretty people with great lessons, no doubt it become a GREAT hit.

Anyways, it is through this drama that I met Suzy and Miss A. I got curious how Suzy got the lead role. Well, no doubt she’s pretty and charismatic but it’s Korea dear. There are lots of actors suited for the role, why a newbie???

SO, my search for the truth led me to this awesome girl group—Miss A. They are awesome DANCERS and SINGERS as well. They debuted last year and took Korea by storm. Yeah, they might not be as big as SNSD but they are one of the best and notable groups in the entire KPOP zone right now. Not because they are my biased but because they are really talented on both dancing and singing (ballad and pop songs, even rapping).

Back to the question. Why Suzy? Why a newbie?..answer: whatever, that’s what you called a breakthrough. Many might oppose but I think  Suzy gave justice to her role. Though I must admit that IU played really well and she’s such a sweet heart which caught a lot of viewers attention.

Anyways, Imma proud Say A now. Miss A really know how to put up a great performance and I’m really happy of what they are showing. Here are some of their videos as proof of their awesomeness.

 

 

 

Cool eh!!!

Where to eat Duk Boki in Angeles?

Yay! it’s Saturday! it’s payday! how I wish we had more Saturdays in a month like every other day?!

In order to get connected with the outside world, it’s my habit to go out every Saturday because  online freelancing really isolates me with the world out there. So, I had the day spent with my good old friend Chona.

I was really looking forward for this day because Cho and I agreed to embark on a mini adventure to satisfy our cravings with Korean food. It was really my idea but I got her approval in a sec.

Just an idea, I worked as an online English tutor a year ago so I got this little knowledge about Korean cuisine, though, most of them are strangers to my taste buds. I never liked kimchi so I crossed it out on my list. My real goal today was to be able to eat Duk Boki. Well, I got no idea with how it really spells but you can get the idea with that.

A year back a delightful Korean parent visited us in our office and cooked the sumptuous meal for us (tutors). That was my first encounter with Duk Boki and it was the very first Korean dish that lauded by my taste buds. Ever since, I wondered when will I be able to eat it again.

So we went to the known Korean Town in Angeles City. Cho and I decided not to commute rather walk and visit some of the stores that we passed by. That has cost me 3 packs of seaweed and a never before had pelvic pain. I realized I’ve never had such a long walk for quite a while. I swear my hips are like killing me right now.

We had seen a couple of restaurants and food houses but we are reluctant to barge in due to unfamiliarity. Anyways, we randomly end up with this small food house named Crowing Chicken along Friendship Highway Extension just blocks away from Timog Park Subdivision (First Gate). It was beside a mini Korean grocery store.

So, let’s get started with the real purpose. We were welcomed by the friendly male filipino staff (who happens to be honest too), yes the crew were pinoys. I was so excited to see Duk Boki  on their menu.  It was available for P250 and already enough for 2 people (in fact, we were really full with only one dish on our table). The dish was served within 15-20 minutes, had to wait a little long but time flies when girls talk. Finally, it was served nice and warm with radish cubes along .

The final verdict..It was a great meal, I came for Duk Boki and I had it. The taste was similar with the one that was cooked for us by the delightful parent. No objection. Also, I was also pretty surprise with how I enjoyed the radish cubes. I honestly thought we’ll just leave it the way it was served.

Also, I had to commend the male waiter who ran for us outside to give us our change. Well, it was suppose to be a tip for the awesome food- our meal cost P350 but I accidentally gave P500 instead P400 (I didn’t count the hundred bills one by one, silly me). I was really grateful with his act, it’s not everyday that you met such honest people.

I’ll definitely go back soon. Haven’t tried their specialty yet. Got this tasty rumor about their chicken meals.

(FYI, I wasn’t paid to write about Crowing Chicken’s Duk Boki, I’m just sharing my Spicy Saturday experience. Walang basagan ng trip! Peace ya’ll)

Blogger Tags: Duk Boki, Angeles, Pampanga, Crowing Chicken, Korean restaurant

Rewatched

I just watched Hello Ghost (2010) the second time and I got this feeling that this wouldn’t be the last time. FYI, Hello Ghost is Korean film about a young man named Sang Man played by the awesome Cha Tae Hyun, who attempted suicide a couple of times but fails. However, his near to death experience has brought him one consequence and that he was able to see dead people. Now, he got to help these 4 ghosts to fulfill their last wishes to get rid of them. Just to realize that those wishes were promises to Sang Man which was left undone because of car tragedy when Sang Man was young. The trauma brought by the tragedy erased Sang-Man’s memory of his family. Therefore, he had this feeling of severe loneliness.

The movie was an absolute killer. It will brought you to tears, either because of too much laughter or too much emotions. I was taken away by the ending. Although, I did expect some revelations at the end provided that Sang Man was an orphan. I was still blown away big time with the execution of the ending. I cry every time I reached that end.

Honestly, I got a lot of realization because of this movie. Few weeks back, I got an argument with my mom and I was really hurt. I didn’t talk to her for weeks. I’m even planning of moving out. However, I noticed some changes these days. Gradually, I speak to her, like asking her what’s for dinner and that. I believe subconsciously the movie has soften some rock inside me especially with the issue about my mom. I’m really glad I watched this film. Topics about life, death, family and unconditional love knock me out every time. 

Blogging Tool for Beginners (very helpful)

Three days ago I was really troubled by how will I insert in a table on a wordpress blog post. I tried searching online, one suggest using Microsoft Word and save it as a web page. For unknown reason, I can’t find the “Save as Webpage” option. So, I asked Google again. I landed on a page suggesting that I should make the table on Gmail and then afterwards view it as HTML. Again, I can’t find the option. Funny how I can’t do anything right days ago.

You see I’m an online freelancer and I handle a couple of blogs for a certain person named “My boss”. It is imperative for me to make my post quality and that included inserting a well html coded table. Unfortunately, I’m not an IT graduate and have only few skills on HTML. So, I always ask Google for assistance.

Out of desperation I just used the insert text from MS option on Wordpress. However, I’m not satisfied with the result really. The table I inserted was too stubborn and it doesn’t follow the format I want. I ended up deleting it, unfortunately.

I saw I ray of light coming towards me as I remember this cool blogging tool I downloaded months ago in my dad’s laptop. Too bad my brother took it so I wasn’t able to use anymore. I tried downloading it, the Windows Live Writer. I was kind a worry that time because I was using an unupdated Windows XP Service Pack 2 but things went well.

Windows Live Writer is one of the free tool on Windows Essential 2011. It basically makes blogging easier for beginners. You can make great looking blog post in just minutes. It can also be connected to your blog platform online so you can publish your post via Windows Live Writer.

Back to my primary problem about the table. Windows Live Writer enables me to insert good looking table in no time. It really makes my blogging life easier  SERIOUSLY.

Blogger Tags: blogging tools for beginners, windows live writer, blogging made easier, great blogging tool, blogger begginer

I got hit!

Fukiji Naohito

Alright. I think I got a HUGE crush on Fujiki Naohito. Damn look at that face. He is at around 40 I think and now I got this bad feeling that I'm gonna hunt for old guys now. Anyways, if he'll be as cool as Nao then never mind the freakin' age.

I think I lost my insanity few minutes back when I finished watching Hotaru no Hikari 2. God! that drama is so good. It's pure innocence, cuteness and a teaspoon of stupidity. Now, I realize whether I fell in love with Nao or with Seiichi Takano? Hmmmm... I'll find that out cause I'm planning to have a drama marathon of this gorgeous guy right here.

Seriously, I fell in love with Hotaru no Hikari 2 because of several reasons: 

• I think I'm an Himono-ona (performs well at work but not at home) too.
• Seiichi reminds me of my ideal guy, though not the age part, yet it doesn't matter.
• Hotaru was extremely funny and I admire her antics.
• Not too much drama, 80% comedy.
• I love the couple Hotaru and Seiichi, and I wished I was Hotaru (but not the dry part cause I got lots of moves to offer, haha )

I wish I can remember all the things I enjoyed while watching the drama but one thing is for sure. Nao captured my attention and I'm freaking out because I can't find interesting facts about him on the internet. Screw Google!

Anyways, I'm not 27 yet, I still got 4 years ahead of me. Yet I learned a simple lesson while watching.

Love comes when you least expect it. It will just tap you on your head while sleeping on your veranda. 

Now, I got to find my veranda first. tahtah!

One friend

I wanna share about my friend Chona. She is a very good friend of mine. We've been friends since 1st year high school. I don't even remember how we become friends, which I think is odd because most friends celebrate the day they met. I guess not us. She's one of the warmest person I knew. I always thought her family is really lucky for having her as part of their small family.

I've always known even before that she got this charismatic personality that attracts people. I think I was also magnetized by her charms too. She is one of the few real friends I got. I was lost in touch with her when I got into the university but we were reunited once again by fate, I guess. Just like how the old saying goes, "if you are meant to be then you'll meet again".

So now, after few year from hi school. Sure, there some  changes but there is a bigger part that wasn't changed at all. I'm still coffee and she's the tea. We are in the same caffeine family but different in taste, color, and caffeine concentration. We are simply different but that's the main reason why we get along pretty well.

Right now, she's in the best years of her life. She just met her half just few months and I'm glad I've met the lucky guy. I trust her instinct and I also feel that she is going to be happy with the life ahead of her by the side of her love one.

Be Good. God knows who are naughty and nice.

PS: Have I told you I'am addicted to Harry Potter now!=)

Reminder: Things I'm Thankful for

This is the main reason why I never wanted to surf and browse on Facebook. My insecurities eat me alive making me ask million questions that in the first place every answer is completely compiled in my mind.. This is one of my trashy features that I couldn't get over with. Quite similar to a bitter and unreal friend that keeps stabbing me on my back just in my case slapping me upfront.

I really envy those people who have it all. The face, the lifestyle, the friends and the love.

I simply hate it when I tend to focus with the ones I don't have and not consider those I have. But what do I exactly have?I think it is healthy to remind myself of the things most people don't have that  I luckily have.

A very loving, supporting and cool dad. I never realized this until I came to my senses and had my mature thoughts instilled in my mind, I guess that was after college because I was still immature even if I was done doing thesis. I learned that it is hard to give yourself to people unselfishly and for that I admire my dad for doing that without hesitation for US. It is hard and I'm uncertain that I will be able to do that thing for people that I know I hate.

A college degree. I'am lucky to earn my nursing degree despite the fact that I lost my scholarship that first term I entered the university. My family is basically not capable to give me expensive education but I was able to be a license nurse with aid of rich and demanding uncle abroad.

Being practically wise. I'm not bragging about the things that I can do but with my observations, compare to my college friends, I'm more real life intelligent. They might be slightly academically superior to me but when it comes to real life situations, I think I handle it more strategically and wisely. As to my hospital exposure, I can independently decide for myself and I always aim for improvement and learning.

A lean and no diet problem body structure. Most women die just to have a lean body. They resist eating sinful foods that addens weight. As for me, never had a problem with staying slim and all. I might gain weight for a week of heavy eating but I can easily get rid of the lump in just days. I always receive complements because of my leaness.

 Writing skills. I remember when my leader in thesis making ask me to create an introduction page of our thesis. I made it but it was awful so we had to ask for help from an expert person but for some reason they thought I made our awesome final intro page. I never thought that they would trust me for doing such task.

Risk taking abilities. I'm always afraid but I never pulled myself away from risks. There is something in me that is excited for exploring new things far from the old ways I have. This is the same thing that brought me to a very life changing situation in my life back in college. Yeah those days sucks the most but pretty surprise that I almost ended up in the dean's list.

I'm Salutatorian. I tend to ignore this achievement in my life because I always thought that I ONLY graduated in a public high school. In the later, I realized that it's the same address that most schools give to the person who garnered the second best score in the whole graduating batch. Guess I'm not appreciative at all before and I think I'm still am until now.

Real Friends. Like I said,  am never an appreciative type so I never valued my friends until I was caught up with tight situations that I had no choice but to voice it out with someone. "These people are simply essential to our lives. We cannot live alone." These are basically the same words I uttered when I was relieve by a friend.

Loving Aunts, Uncles and Relatives. I never thought that aside from my family and friends, I can find other people who love me. These are my uncles who helped in paying my bills in college and aunts who give me the things that I need when I' am once far away from my family.

I love this! I'm suddenly diverted from being envious to being thankful and lucky. I love the positivity brought by this post. I definitely not mentioned other things I have so I'll keep this post updated.

Awaken

These past few days, I was really not in my best condition.  My thoughts and emotions are six feet below the ground. I feel so down and tiny that I’m scared that everything might end up any moment. I always blame my hormones when it comes to these situations but it's different this time.

Ive been cautious about my actions and words but my sister blew it off. I never had a good relationship with my siblings. I feel furious over them because of petty matters. That’s me. I know I’m childlike and shallow. I might be 23 years old, looking mature and ready to go independent but my insides do not tell those so. I’m a selfish-manipulative bitch who always want to get what she wants even though it’s impossible. I’m miserable.

That’s it. I wanted things my way so when one opposed me. My heart beats fast and starts raising my voice. My way of intimidating the person I’m talking to.

I’m not like that with everybody. I’ve never been like these in front of my friends. Just with my family. I don’t know whether that’s my real self. But I believe people have this mechanism to respond the way they want depending on others treatment. In other case, people show their tough and vulnerable sides to different groups of people.

These days I incessantly contemplate myself. I can’t stop thinking. I started questioning my own purpose, motives, and goals for my family and myself. At the end, I realized that I don’t want to make my whole family happy. Only those people whom I knew value me. In this case, there were only few. On top of that, I realized that I only want to make myself happy.

I spent almost half of the day in my room today. I self-introspected, I cried because of dysmenorrhea, I reviewed for my IELTS and I browsed my college year book. From all those things I did, one thing made my mind clear: my college year book. I’ve seen familiar faces, I discovered few things, and I wondered where are these people now? Are they like me, wasting time in the house, lying in bed and only thinking? Or are they following OUR dream as a registered nurse? I found a list of people who graduated their masteral degree in the same year I graduated. I thought”These are successful individuals who set goals and achieved them ASAP.” I envied them, seriously.

I watched the finale episode of my favorite K drama, Dream High. After watching it I felt really good. Dream High is not merely made for entertainment. It is made to enlighten people about their dreams. That reaching a dream is not easy but after you did everything you opt to do, you will reap what you have planted. The ending of the drama signaled something relevant to me. That is, it is time for me to start dreaming. They did it for just a year. And I believe this is my year, 2011 is the year for my dream.

I’m thankful. I’m really thankful that I went through tough times these days. I realized that I’ve been in a stagnant mode recently but I’m on my nerves now. I’m awake and coherent and I’m ready to reach my goals! I will be K in real life. I will work hard. There will be things that will stop me but I promise that I won’t let these hindrances stop.

Past is passed and I can’t change it anymore. Future is not yet written and I promise that I will try my best to have a well written one. 

Left out

I'm back home. Back to my old nasty habits.

Two months ago I was a nurse  who knows where she is going but now, I'm lost (again). Staying at home makes my life drastically stagnant. Like I wanted to fly but something pulls me back. I really don't want this kind of feeling. I always thought of my fate as a successful nurse but the thought stays as the same intangible thing I built in my mind 3 years ago. I feel being left out. I don't want to open my facebook account cause it feels miserable when I see those people I know having the time of their lives. Splurging on things they have right now because of their hard work and luck. I wanted to be like them.Some of them stands out even outside the field we specialized with. I failed to do the same because NURSING is only the career that is on my mind.

I'm in freelancing nowadays. I've been doing this for 2 years I think and during those times, I never think of doing the best so I can to excel and be one of the best in freelancing. I just wanted to have an extra income while I'm working out things with the career I've chosen. But I guess it's time for me to do my best in everything I do so I can practice competence in everything I do. At least, I'll be able to get rid of the awful feeling of being left out, for now. 

Life is tragically surprising

his imperfection

It's hard to think that on this exact hours, I have a friend in the hospital fighting for his life. He's just 21, younger than me. He's in a coma and pronounce brain dead few days ago but I understand why his parent is still not giving up.

He's nice. We had some few moments we shared together and if not with my peers, I had enjoy his company. I must admit he is kind a different. I don't know why he acts that way but I guess it's just a defense mechanism that a lot of us misunderstood. He got some imperfections just like everyone else but I assumed he made a big deal out of it that's why when the opportunity struck, he grabbed it almost without hesitation that lead him into a very life threatening situation he is in today.

I wonder if every human was born perfect, we might not have any insecurities and he might be conscious, healthy and maybe happy.

I wonder if every human was contented, we might have overlooked our imperfections and he might be enjoying the life and body God has given him.

I wonder if every human is working hard, paying taxes, fair and honest, and resources are well distributed, we  might have good facilities in our public hospitals that will aid in saving lives of the people we love and value; and he might been in critical condition but well recovering thanks to those high tech hospital equipments.

I wonder if every human is not judgmental and never outcast another human just because he's different, we might get rid of  the guilty feeling , and he might have lived a full-packed life with friends always there to support him irregardless of his imperfections.

I wonder if every human takes responsibility on their actions, values and respect life, we might have avoided negligence and malpractice and he might be out of the hospital and by the next month he is making his way to the hospital to render his services for free.

Life is tragically surprising. A long series of drama with twist and turns we can't foretell. Only the WRITER knows which character will remain longer. We might be young, healthy, and careless but it's hard to tell whether you can be the same person you are yesterday nor be with the people you've been the other night. 

Please pray for my friend. He is in a very serious condition but there are MIRACLES  and I want to keep my faith on that. Thank you and Godbless

So what if it's my birthday..

Actually, I was planning to make an article about my birthday but because of something I missed everything. It's been 4 days ago and the memories of my not so special birth day is almost fading in my head.

I got few plastic girlfriends who invited me to go out and celebrate my birthday but obviously I don't want to spend my money on people I'm not comfortable with. So I texted my high school friend, Chona. She's been one of my closests and real friend ever. She's been with me through ups and down and I can tell that our friendship is really tested.

Though we were really close, she's not good with dates and she got no idea that day was actually my birthday. I don't have any plans of telling her it's my birthday. I can tell that it is not a big deal for me. SO what if it was?

I asked her to help me do something and we end up surfing the net while waiting for the thing I ordered. When I suggested that, I already thought of her seeing my birthday notification in facebook but I do not care. There's no other thing that we can do while waiting.

SO in the end she was informed via the fb notification (just what I thought ) and she surprised me by making a disappearing act and by the time she went back, she was carrying two small cakes with candles on. I was really touched, seriously. I don't remember anyone who did that to me. (Yeah, I'm miserable.)

If I were a boy

Have you ever wonder how would it be if you are living a life of your opposite sex? I bet that would be a very nice life.

Imma girl, and at times I hate to be one. Not that I'm saying that I wanted to cross the line between being a guy and gal cause it makes no sense, there'd be no physical change after all. I just thought being a guy is cool.

As I've observed from my siblings, my brothers' guy friends are more fun compare to my girlfriends. I think guys are more loyal and they really value friendships. They are true, their intentions and motives. Unlike girls, they got a lot of pretensions and are selfish. Not that I'm talking about myself, but I guess I've been like that, that's why I can tell.

I only had few boy friends before. Don't get me wrong I'm friendly but I got some personal dealing issues with men which I just learned to got over not so long ago. In fact, I got socialization issues. I'd rather stay at home in front of the computer than spend the day in the mall, walking and making myself tired. But that was years before, when I haven't gained that much confidence in myself.

I think guys has lesser issues when it comes to getting along with peers. You just have to be sporty, trendy and neat, bonus if smart to catch a hot girlfriend. But for girls, we had to invest on our body, personality and all the girly stuffs, it's a tedious task. I believe guys hate girls who are smarter than them. What can I do? I'm smarter than them and my aura tells them so.

I wish someone will be smarter than me and will accept me for who I'am. 

An awkward morning

This morning, while I was in the middle of a dream that I couldn't remember, I hear someone calling out my name outside. I went out as soon as I sense the urgency even before I clean my face from  any traces of over sleeping. Outside, I found my neighbor and a strange guy, he asked me to initiate an IV line to a dying patient who was discharge from the hospital 3 days ago. I blame my mom from telling stories about me about this incident. I hurried and prepare myself for the favor. I walked with my mom while I incessantly nag her about what happen.

We arrived in an unfinished house with no furniture except from an old bed where a dying patient lies. Her mom come over and told that if I didn't come she might have initiated the line. I asked her whether she is a nurse or something, she said no. Another person who thinks our job is that easy. The patient is suffering from renal failure and her family had spent almost all their resources just to get him well. Sadly, dialysis is the only procedure that will lengthen his life. The patient is too dehydrated that made it hard for me to initiate the line. It took me 3 attempts before I was able to get into his veins. I went home after I secured the line.

I felt weird after my mom had a confession after seeing the boy. She said she felt extremely sad and she pity the boy's physical condition that's why she hurriedly fled away. She couldn't stand to witness such scene. On the other hand, I felt nothing except from occasional hand tremors. Probably my mind was too preoccupied about the procedure I'm going to do that I had no time to feel sympathy for the boy. On my part, the boy doesn't need sympathy, he needs medical attention and that is what I'm giving him.

After that scene, I suddenly felt the urge to join an institution again and handle patients. I know it has been part of my system to help but I'm not certain whether what I'm doing is helping or proving something to myself.