Knocked me out

It’s 4 days before Christmas and I’m here on the couch thinking about the days while I was in Laguna. I usually bump on these memories when I’m bored and this is because the internet connection is down. In other words, my life is completely out of color. Those internet folks really know how to ruin once life.

Basically, I’m at home with no internet and with  a bunch of annoying slow pokes. I hate the feeling of mixed boredom and annoyance. I wanted to get away but sadly I got no choice but to stay because I ‘m broke. Sometimes I think that God provide just enough because he knows the things that I can do with the excess (if joined with my rollercoster feelings and ideas). I haven’t figured out yet whether this is a blessing or what, but I’m neutral.

As of this moment, we still got no connection to the web world and it’s almost 72 hours.

Out of boredom I decided to watch the very first movie I downloaded in this laptop-- Letters to God, that’s the title of the movie. I watched the first half of the film when I was in Laguna but I got irritated by one of the characters named Sam. I dislike her manner of talking and gestures that’s why I wasn’t able to get close to end of the film. I don’t usually watch movie in such genre but the IMDB rating made me go with it. If my memory serves me right, it was 8/10.

Out of boredom I saw the whole film in my room. I got emotional when I got to the pass half part. I was touched by the movie’s theme. It was a reminder and I was completely reminded. My relationship with God has been cold as ever. I never talked to him for six months now. Unconsciously, for the past months I lived my life on my own, without His guidance and will. Sure my life has been dirty but the movie has knocked me out real hard. I cried scene after scene. I realize how I’ve been so bad. Compare to my internet connection God’s line has never been down nor cut. It’s just me who forgot to contact him.

It is a timely message. It’s Christmas. This only means that God is actually thinking about me.

Crappy morning

I woke up early today, I washed my face, gargle and I’m ready to start the day right. I washed some dishes, made a mug of coffee, fried some left over rice and swept the living room’s floor. I was so hungry, so as soon as the rice is ready I scooped some. A red salted egg was lying on the table so I cracked it up and finally, had my breakfast.

I was thinking about nothing when I felt a sharp pain gliding through my abdomen. It was a sign. I proved when I hurriedly went to the CR to totally evacuate crap from my intestines. Honestly, I’ve been waiting for a the urge for quite a while but I guess I was constipated. I knew coffee stimulates my insides to move so I thought it was just normal but when strong and painful urges occurred I suspected it is all because of the salted egg. I lost some potassium in the process that’s why I feel weak. Even in the midst of such crisis I can’t stop myself from thinking about the scientific explanation of the situation I’m in.

Luckily, I just went up to three episodes and I guess I just needed some major clean up because it’s been days that I haven’t been in the throne. I feel good now. Although I do not know whether everything was thrown out, now I wonder whether the salted egg is still in my stomach cause gastric emptying time takes 2 hours.

NODAME isn’t a role model after all

Ever wonder why there’s piano related pic on my bio? Well, I do play the keyboard when I was in High School. My dad brought a keyboard back from Japan and forced me to learn how to play that odd sounding electric keyboard.

After a while I found myself playing with the bunch of newbies in our church. We sounded like crap. Everyone in the group were new and learning. We never had a perfect moment, we never synced in. We weren’t friends at all. We were like a group that was formed out of the need for instrument players. We actually never talk to each other, now wonder why we suck.

Anyways, Nodame was one of my favorite anime characters. She is fun, colorful, vibrant, piano genius. That’s how I find her and I wish she had remained in that state.

However, what disappointed me was her weakness in facing absurdities that comes her way. Instead of going through the big waves, she chose  to stay in the island and worst run to the other end of the Island. I find it really frustrating to see my IDOL in that state.

As for me, I like big waves. At times I find myself stepping back from the shore but there’s a bigger force the pushes me back to step twice farther. It is sure normal to feel fear but letting fear burden is the opposite of being courageous.

Life is full of earthquakes and platonic cracks. We should always be prepared for a tsunami. These can be seen as disasters but through these disasters we get to know our selves better. We were able to discover our capabilities and strengths.

So who is excited for the next life’s tsunami?

I definitely got one ahead. Wish me luck on my IELTS exam.

Battle between Claws and Feathers

In the midst of all the deadlines and overflowing freelance work, I still managed to watch a movie in my room yesterday. It was the Legend of the Guardians. The movie was refreshing and so as the soundtrack “To the Sky”. I knew it when I saw the album cover and the band name too, how ironic.

Well it was just a typical story of a humble character turning out to be the hero of the story. I guess the plot that will deviate from this one would be more interesting. Why it is always the good one who become the hero at the end. Too predictable.

But what separate it among other animal-talking film is the animal talking itself. The characters in the story are owls, not typical characters by the way. The manner of battle among the these creatures is simply extraordinary. You don’t always witnessed a death match between owls, right?

Wow, I suddenly heard a chicken and translating it to my language it says “Nagugutom nako”, in English “I’m hungry.” We are talking about birds, I wish you have understood the relation.

Verdict: It’s best for children to watch, there are some violent scenes but it is fairly understood, since it was done well anyways.

Half true story

Just watched “The Social Network" courtesy of Fileserve. Thank you.

Verdict: Not a forgettable movie.

Going back from the moment when I saw the trailer on TV, I already promised myself to see it. Basically, I was dragged by the story behind Facebook. It’s part of the human nature to dig into matters that are quite interesting. I  thought the movie was based on a true story but Mark Zuckerberg personally opposed that. I was disappointed, but later (after reading some article online) I realized that the movie was a work of art. Not everything that happened in real life can be put into a screenplay (some are edited, of course). Those movie people also wanted to make their movie a major hit. With that I say, Mark Zuckerberg’s real story didn’t meet “their” standards.

I haven’t figure out why I admire this movie. Maybe because it was about of Facebook, or because it’s about the youngest billionaire on earth, or it involves smart people, or because of my crush having some resemblance with Jesse Eisenberg’s(Mark) character, or probably because I find Andrew Garfield (‘Wardo) hot. I couldn’t pin point my reasons but there’'s something about this film that makes me smile.

If your one of my classmates, you could tell who I’m talking about. I hope my batch mate won’t find this blog. I hate to admit I got a huge crush on geek.

PS: I wish they will also make a film about Google.

Forget You, Gwyneth Style

 

 

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Time for Celebration

It’s not because Christmas is only days ahead  and the smell of resolutions already stink, but because this blog has been viewed 99 times.

Well, honestly it took awhile before this blog had it’s tiny winnie steps to get some attention (on both human and bots). Last month, I’ve been busy with my activities offline, but today is different because I’m unemployed again. With that I mean, no payment and no patients to care for.

It would be nice If I’m gonna go on details about when and how this blog got unto it’s knees but I’m too lazy to log in to my blog and look for the dates. Anyhow, this blog started because I got no one to talk to and I wanted to have a diary that my sister won’t able to access (at least they don’t know I got a blog). Plus, I ‘m able t practice my writing skills, if I got any.

I’ve made a couple blogs but this one only survived. It’s close to my heart and I’ll keep forever.

Miserable

I’m planning to move out. I think it is the only way to have a quiet life. I got a lot of plans in my head but I don’t know what’s the best one for me. I want to get out of this house. Like be gone for a long time and be back completely different where I can help my mom unlimitedly. She actually needs a bottomless well of resources to get by with her debts. I wanted to be the one who can solve all her problems. I hate and I feel miserable because I couldn’t do anything to keep her from begging from other people. I hate the feeling of being helpless and hopeless, seriously. 

WE often argue about how she handles my dad’s money. But at the back of my head, I blame myself from all the debts we have. Some of those where made when I was still studying at the university. In fact, our house was used as a collateral and until now, it hasn’t been paid.

My dad gave me the responsibility to send my siblings to college. And now, they are one by one entering college without my help. MISERABLE, that’s what I’m feeling right now. I’m useless.

Pambihira

Congratulations! My first taglish post, proud to be Pinoy after all. Inspired to write coz I’m so messed up at home. 

Nakow! bumabalik nanaman ang “makwenta mentality” ko. From all the old traits I have, eto ang pinaka ayaw kong maresurrect. Once this  hit my system again, lagot na! The so-called good change is impossible.(Sus eto na si negativity!) Kasi naman, sino ba naman ang hindi maasar kung mga buga mga kasama mo sa bahay. Pambihira naman, environment really matters when it comes to mindset. This ain’t hormone nor mood swings. This is reality baby, nakakawalang gana ang mga kapatid ko. Living with them won’t give any inspiration at all rather the opposite. It’ll suck all your strength, inspiration, basically, all the good in you.

Mga walang kwenta. Ang tatamad. Kala mo kung sinong magagaling. Eh wala namang mga silbi. Ni Magwalis eh hindi magawa. Grabe, I can’t blame my dad if he begins to falter. Eh kasi hindi naman nasusuklian ung mga paghihirap nya. God, I guess that includes me. He keeps on pushing me to go abroad (I bet ayaw nya ng magtrabaho) pero, look where I’m until now. Grabe..I wish I didn’t take this damn course. I’m one of those graduates who are still looking for their place in the employment world. WoooooOOO!

Isa pang dagdag sa negativity eh ung nanay kong mapangutang. As in lider na sya ng mga mangungutang dito sa lugar namen. Who will be proud of that? Parang sampal narin yun sakin kasi almost 3 years nakong graduate pero wala pading magandang career. GOD! Kailangan bang magkaroon ng ilang lending investment na kinabibilangan. Nakakaasar ang life dito sa Pampanga. Buti pa nung nasa Laguna, tahimik. Ok si tiya, masipag and maalaga. Siguro if I stayed there longer, I might have gained kgs. Kaso I have to move na kasi ayoko namang maging pabigat. Helow, putol na kaya ang internet dun kasi 3 months nakong di nakapagbayad.

Gulo din ng buhay ko in fairness.

Juris: One of the best Filipino voices

 

Free Download of Juris’ Di Lang Ikaw

I’m back

I never thought that a change of environment would changed me, now I know how they do it  in rehab.

I’m back.

I went home last 09/28, after a farewell party held at 818 paradise resort. A year ago, I would complain about how tired I 'am from doing minimal tasks. Now, even with no sleep at all, I still can walk and do crazy stuffs. Arrival time 6:16 to be exact, I’m at home.

Working in the hospital basically was the root of all the changes in me. I picked some helpful like mannerism like being an OC, competitiveness, and patience. I hope these behaviors stay coz they benefit me a lot. I want to work in a medical institution again to preserve this.

It’s been a week and I noticed consistency, almost. Perhaps with a little more focus and positive mindset I can make all  things in me work.

However, this wouldn’t be easy. Those people I left are still doing the same habit and I can’t keep myself from thinking that I’ll give up sooner and later. Worst, be back from the old gruesome me. That would be awful.

We R Who We R by Kesha

 

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Enjoy

Katy Perry new single titled Firework

 

 

Free Download Firework by Katy Perry

Lack of Consistency

I often blame my hormones of the feelings and thoughts that I have, and I can’t figure out whether these things are real or not. It’s like that I couldn’t distinguish right from wrong. I dislike what I’m going through, probably because I always wanted to make the right plan and right choices. In short, I always wanted to be right in any instances. The problem is I lack consistency. Finally, I already pin pointed my weakness. Well, there’s a lot but I guess this is one is the major.

At work, I can be competent and incompetent at times. My friend always says that I’m one of the best but at the back of my mind “she got a point but not all the time.” For example on IV insertion, I make it a point to insert an IV in one shot. I wanted it to be my habit, but unfortunately, my imperfections ruin my habit and in the end..fail.

I deal with a couple of documents daily, and I notice people’s penmanship. Most of the old ones are consistent— and that I, consistently good and consistently bad. I wonder why some of us can’t stick with our preferred penmanship style. Ehem, as for me, my penmanship changes in times of stress and depending on my mood. Most of the times, I’m being praised because of the penmanship and I like that. I guess that’s one of my motivations that’s why I seldom make my penmanship gross.

I like jap, and I don’t know whether he likes me or not. I just want it to get out of my chest. He have been assisting me twice and the outcome wasn’t that bad. I don’t know why I’m so attracted with play boys but I guess I’m not the only one. We all have this urge to lure a confused guy.

It’s funny how I change topic in an instant, I guess that’s one good example of my lack of consistency. 

Chismis Rampage

It’s been a while and I haven’t update this blog, not because my life has been in a strange monotone but because I’ve been so busy with a lot of important and not-so important stuffs. I must admit most of them are not-so important, but anyways, there were a lot things happened this past October and those things made me so entertained. I have witnessed a couple of growing issues and their sad, happy, and intriguing endings. Too bad, I’m not a character on those real life telenovelas but nonetheless I’m happy, quite I guess.

October is more about flirting, lying, denying, and caught in the act situations. To summarize it all, It has been a test of friendships and trusts. One thing I hate about it, is that one person who like acted so pretty because she has been involved with all the issues. That pukring is Sheen. She’s a flirty, fat legged, curl headed nurse attendant who had caused all the rampage at the hospital. I hate to write about her but I just wanted to express my self or I’ll explode in pieces. Anyways, I lost my appetite to write about her. Just watch out for the next episode of my life here.

Regression

I hate him so much. I really hate feeling this way. I’m the kind of person who easily forgets and move on. Absence would definitely make it easier but my thoughts of him torment me a lot. He’s not my type physically, but urgggghhhh! I hate him for making me feel this way. I regret the day that we’ve become close, I mean…really? Why did I let him get near me? He’s a flirt, yes. I guess this is all his fault.

It’s been a while that we become distant to each other because of duty schedules. I saw him yesterday and wala, all the pain was resurrected. I remember, diving in the pool because of too much jealousy. Now I know how it feels and it’s awful. Ever thought that you’d just like to be eaten by something big and just disappear?

I’m a strong woman and I don’t want to be beaten. Loosing is the most terrible thing that can happen to me. And I guess this time I lost and the pain get through my armor into my heart.

U wave

Hate to admit but I think things are beginning to fall apart now. Even if we don’t want to, conflicts occur. We are getting bigger and diverse. There have been major changes starting from the newbie days up to now. I can see how looks and family backgrounds affect our lives on friendship, attention and opportunities. I don’t have the looks, nor huge family assets; but one thing I know is that I got what it takes to be successful: FAITH IN GOD, HARDWORK and PATIENCE.

I hate sheen, I’m not a guy so I can’t see why they like her. I’m not insecure, she’s just a 2^nd rate attendant but what I hate about her is that she is a bitch. I’m not lowering myself to the point that I’m gonna flirt guys just to get their attention. I’ve been in the hospital and I heard that she went out for two hours without asking for permission. My friends and colleagues went loco looking for her. Now, who’s got a reputation? I felt bad for Edmar; before he’s the shining only toy, now, were did all his candies went?

I feel disappointed of what is happening in my zone right now. We were happy before and I wonder where did it all go. Glad to still have Ode on my side. At least we are enjoying ourselves and we got our own world going. 

The Vampire Boyfriend Mania

I just watched Vampire Diaries Season 2 episode 2 and I wonder what it feels like to have a super strong, super loyal, super cute vampire boyfriend; I guess that would be so cool. I never had a boyfriend before, I’m too scared for a relationship and I’m too insecure with my flaws. A perfectionist maybe but I really wanted to have someone to call my own. Too bad the unfortunate one hasn’t arrived yet or did I let him pass? No clue but I’ll wait, not in hurry anyways.

I hate watching tv series. Most often than not I get inspired with the series that I wanted to have a kind of situation similar with what the main character is experiencing; funny how I easily adapt their mannerism and attitude.  I guess that’s how I continuously alter my own attitude and personality.

On this episode of VD, I really like how Stefan showed his soft side despite all the commotion happening. I like how he treated Elena and how he helps Elena de-stressed. Guys with such an attitude only appear once in a blue moon, I just wish I can catch one, God please!

It’s my duty tomorrow and I’m gonna be with Nurse Wane. Good thing we are assigned in ER with two seniors. I’m oriented but I’m definitely not geared to be a mentor. I pray things will be ok tomorrow morning.

Now I realize

Nearly 2 months remaining and I feel sad whenever I think about it. Things will end eventually and we all have to move on with our lives. I don’t know whether I’m the only person in the group who thinks about this but I’m not ashamed of what I feel. Generally, in a short time I already learned a lot; from clinical to real life lessons. The most precious thing I learned— socialization, how to blend in. It’s not necessary to please everybody but what matters is you shouldn’t be totally on a different frequency.

I like my co-volunteers, I consider them as friends. They spice up my life and added different flavors. I was happy then in Pampanga but I’m happier here. The routine is hard and stressful, but with them, things went light and breezy. I never expected I will last this long, considering my previous work experiences. This made me realize how essential friends are, which I don’t believe back then.

The Choco Phenomenon

I think the problem with me is whenever I get close with the opposite sex. I assume there would be some intimate connection that will happen. I guess that is the consequence of my NBSB status. I keep telling myself that I don’t need a guy in my life. Now, I’m surrounded with guys and I honestly, I’m not comfortable.

I got this one co-worker at the hospital. He has a girlfriend and he looks fine. I seldom got the chance to work with him in the same shift. But just recently I got pulled down because one of their team mates got ill. But if my instincts serve me right, I already felt something about him.  I can tell it through his eyes and gestures. Our first encounter was the IV insertion incident. It was my first time to insert intravenously and he assisted me in the isolation room. Result:  we massacred the patient and blood was all over the place. Moments with him was not repeated until recently. 

Whether forecast: he’s a flirt. He’s being linked with two of our not so bad nurse attendant. In fact, I was also rumored but I cleared it out already.

Just yesterday we had a chance to bond out and enjoy ourselves in a private pool. It was fun, generally. For the preparation, since it’s my day off. I took over and bought all the necessary materials needed for the party. He’s with me along with another nurse attendant. We went to his house and ask for his contribution. I paid respect for his dad. There’s familiarity in the place and his dad looks familiar too.  Later, he told that according to his dad I look familiar also. Ending, we found out that we were classmates in first grade.

We’ve used his motorbike to shop. I was at the end portion of the bike. He parked the motor and Gelo and I went to the wet market to buy what we need.  Then, we proceeded to the supermarket to buy some more. He found us there. Although he’s a flirt it’s hard to tell whether he likes me or not. There’s a block in his eyes that hinders me to see what he thinks. He didn’t even say a word about me, my outfit. But just like what they say, action speaks louder.

We finished buying stuffs in no time. It’s time to go home. We dropped all our merchandise at Gelo’s house. We stayed for a couple of while then head back home. We were just two in his bike. I noticed something, he drives slower. I remember the first time I endorsed to him. He said, “Can we take it slowly”, I refused. I hold gently unto his shoulder. My legs are touching his pelvis. I can feel that he’s sweating, close to profuse. I wanted to ask him why, but I think it would just create an awkward moment. We got into the front of the hospital; I withdrew my hand over his shoulder. Romel have seen us and called our attention, we stopped. I think this guy got also lured into my trap, but I need more cues.  We talked for a while then said goodbye.  Since the hospital is close to our house. I just walked and didn’t ride anymore.

It’s time, Ode was supposed to pick me up at 5 but she was late again so I picked her up. We arrived at the rendezvous late but earlier than the others. It’s 6 and weren’t complete yet. An unknown number texted me, asking where are we and he’s coming. I replied and ask who the sender is. Surprise, it’s him. Earlier, I texted him and asked him to bring some rice but he never replied.  Thoughts: of all the people why me? Yeah, it sounds shallow but little things mean something.

He already arrived. We were almost complete. There was neither a word nor contact at the first quarter of the party. The fun started at the middle after we got all tipsy. He went over, touched my elbow and got near my ear. He asked me about the sandwiches I prepared. I got hold of the loaf and hand it to him. Ode and the others got some too. They are complaining about the taste but I heard him say, “pinaghirapan ni jane yan eh”. I heard it clear but I pretended I didn’t hear a thing but on one hand my heart went to 100 bpm.

Honestly, I got drunk,,,fast. I know what I’m doing but I left out shy somewhere. I took over the mike and sang “I will survive”. In an instant, he’s on my side and doing something I couldn’t tell. I finished the song looking stupid. He hold my hand and told me he’s gonna tell me something but  in a snap, Gelo and him already carried me into the pool. Good thing, they jumped with me. I was the first person who was carried down the pool. And I thought that was the last but it wasn’t.

I tried the slide, yes I’m not good at swimming but I can handle myself. But after I splashed on the water, I found myself in his arms. Thoughts: Huh? What? When? Where? How? Even how confused I ‘am, I pretended not to care and told him to get me there. Honestly, I was really lost. I started to think and analyze his gestures since then.

Third encounter, he pulled me out of the water again and carried me in his shoulder and jumped in the water. Thoughts: Duh, it’s my second already. Then it happened again for the 3^rd time. Gosh,too much contact. Thoughts: Is he looking for ways to touch me?

I went to the other side of the pool with Jam. We had a chat time. After a few moments, he’s already there, also chatting with us,putting his back on my side of the body. Thoughts: off all the group of people why on us? After a while he’s getting ready to carry me again, the newly wed style. I refused. So there was some struggling that happened. But expectedly, I can’t overpower him so he took me to the other side of the pool. I hurriedly went to Ode as soon as I can touch the floor.

I was telling a story then, when he pulled me again to take to the other side of the pool. But he failed because I acted out and he loose grip of me. Now I realized, what if he was able to take me to the other side of the pool. It was only the two of us there. It must have been fun.

In general, I played heart to get. Just the way I played the game with the other playboy I targeted before. I think that’s the best way it should be played. I won’t loose anything if I won’t let my self fall. I’m used to being alone anyways.

Innocence

Although I admit that I’m a novice in my chosen professional, I won’t stay on this level. Last night I was challenged by a doctor who keeps belittling me. In front of my seniors, he asked me to do an IV insertion. But before that 2 nights before, he already nagged me about that topic because I chose not to initiate IV lines on children. This time I’ve shown him that just like everybody else I can do IV insertion in just one try.

I felt good in behalf of all volunteer nurses. I can’t deny t the fact that we are still weak on that skill, but I wanted to show those doctors as well as with experienced nurses that we are also equipped with skills but just needed a little push.

I thought I won’t gonna make it but look, I’ve made it through 2 consecutive months (almost). I know that God had held me into his arms on my way here. Everyday has become a learning session for me. I wanted to learn more. I wanted to know more things so I can help people especially those unfortunate ones. I don’t want to settle for paper works and theories. I wanted to actually do something to help afflicted people. I may be realizing this thoughts late but I’ve got so much time to spend on this act. It won’t be wasted.

I’ve been two months away from my family. The first few weeks was a total adjustment. I can’t believe I cried during those periods. When I thought I can live independently. I miss my mom, her nagging, her long repeatedly speeches, her complaints, her calculations and stuffs about her loans. Yeah, I miss them but I don’t one to deal with them, I get stress when I hear them. It’s much better to just reminisce those moments. With my siblings, I don’t really miss them much, that’s because I’m not close to most of them. I miss watching watching movies and korean novelas. I was then addicted to koreans but I guess I’m not now. I’ve got more essential things to watch than those leisures but  I can’t promise I’ll quit watching those flicks.

Inspiration? Well, I got few crushes on the hospital. They are not totally hot but they have traits I admire as nurses. I guess I’m don’t really admire them rather I wanted to get through them, skill wise.  It’s not a big deal I just wanted to create a goal for me.

The weather here is perfect. I seldom sweat unlike in Pampanga. I can tolerate the noise here. Love the people and their accent. Tagalog accent is so sweet, Kapampangan accent sounds rude. It’s easy to deal with people with such a sweet accent.

Just fine

It’s almost 2 months and I’ve been rotated to different shifts. Although I haven’t proven something yet, I’m not loosing hope. I know I’m still at the beginning of the path I’ve chosen.  To tell you honestly, I  don’t  know the specifics why I’m still here and staying, but I’ve never been challenged like this and surprisingly I wanted to win this challenge badly. There’s nothing more thrilling than to show those people who taught you’re a dumb that I’am way far from their thoughts.

My first week as an Ar-En

06~01, it was my very first day as a nurse in a hospital near the mountains. Everything feels,sounds and looks familiar but there's uncertainty in the corner. The smell of the hospital was nostalgic, I remember my nurisng student days. But this experience will be completely different than before, "this time I'll work as a professional, bigger responsibilities,serious and tougher tasks." The thought wasn't new to me. I already accepted that fact the first day I handled a patient back in college. However, I'm still having a hard time to process this major turn over in my life. 

My first 3 days in the hospital was mainly observation and shadowing, but the 4th day was completely different. Honestly, I was pushed but I wasn't able to give my all. I was left alone by my senior with a ton of medications to be given, prescription to be prescribed, and charting. I want to stay positive with what happen. Trust? Test? and Learn through independence?. I don't know what's her deal but she made me learn my lesson pretty well. 

I decided to go home to Pampanga after my duty. I was suppose to be out by 2pm but I got out at 3:45. whew! Anyways, on my way home I was bothered by my recent experience. I felt like I did something wrong and irresponsible. I owe those patients. 

In the morning, my hormones are at peak and I can't stop crying. I can't talk to anybody. I don't want to show my weak side, especially to family about this topic. I call a friend, and that relieve my bad feelings. I never believed the power of talking but this time I knew how it could make a person feel better. The crying stopped and guilty feelings were reduced. 

Now, I'm ready again. It's  normal to be like this. A new job is one heck of a stress so I have to go through with it. Besides I'm a normal human and most of us go through it. I'm not an exception, the outcome simply depends on how will I strategically plan things. One thing's for sure, there's gonna be some major turn over on my next shift.

A big piece of me

I just watch a weird film titled "Crush and Blush". It was an unusual film but I was pulled in because of the story. A single loser teacher who is stalking her ex-teacher/married man. Not that I'm a loser but I find a piece of myself in the story. One, I'm single-no-boyfriend-since-birth girl. Second, I easily give meanings to what guys are expressing to me, which sucks. However, I realize that I was way better than the girl in the film.

I'm an empowered women, with high standards about guys. I'm smart and I'm looking for someone who will outsmart me. Mind you, not because I'm single means no one have attempted to court me. There are guys who express interest but they don't mean even a little because they didn't pass my qualifications. Well, I think I'm sounding too defensive, that's enough..

The reason I'm here is to share what  I learn from the film and that is, "Don't dwell on your fantasies". Falling for the world you created is like giving up your sanity for nothing. Don't dwell in the past, see what the future holds. Don't get fixated with the good things that happened, look forward for the great things ahead. Yes, I'm pessimistic but seeing reality simply means that my sanity in pretty much intact and I'm ready to whatever life upholds.

Off to the mountains

It's been a while since I updated this blog. I'm glad I'm here to evacuate some inner thoughts again. It's May, in few weeks I have to pack up my bags and go to Laguna. I have to go there since I don't like to render my service here. I don't what awaits me there but I'd like to keep my thoughts positive.

It's never been easy to start in a new place. Boy I got some bad memories about that but on one hand I think it's a good move. I would be far from my family, noise, and problems. It sounds too harsh but that's the truth anyways. I guess this is the perfect time to realize my favorite saying, "You'll never know what you have till it's gone."

As to my career, thanks for my dad I'd be able to continue my blogging and online activity as he's gonna lend me his laptop which he won over a lottery. It sounds pretty unbelievable but  I'd rather not entertain my foolish thoughts, I know he got some reasons to made those all up. With less noise and much better weather, I predicted increase in productivity and enhanced quality with the job during my stay there. BTW, I'll be there for 6 months, so I'll be back my December. Well that's the big question is, weather I want to go home after my stay there.

Left behind

It's been almost two years since a graduated from college but til now I haven't made any progress with my chosen career. Actually, I hate to admit to myself but I wasted my time into worthless stuffs. I've been watching lots of kdramas, anime series, reading fictional books and doing stuffs unrelated to what I should really be focusing on.

I was surfin' fb just a while ago and I just got irritated after seeing those people boasting around. It's pretty obvious. Yeah, they are out there playing snow in a foreign country, but who cares?! I guess you can feel how envious I'am, that sucks. I just hate the feeling of being left behind.

I guess I'm right after all

I've always been a minimalist when it comes to my decision. Unconsciously, I've been avoiding decisions. I guess, not making one will give me less responsibility of the things that will happen in the future. Is that a sign of being a coward or being a smart person?

I've been through major decisions in my life and I never resorted to a risky one. I think hundred times before I say yes, before I say no. I always choose the safe one. I set aside my self in making a judgment. I don't care if I will get hurt cause it will heal anyways. I just don't want to make other people hurt because of me. At least the person who matters to me. The rest doesn't matter.

To make me feel better and to make the pain go away fast. I rationalize, just like I did for a guy who likes me but I couldn't like him back though I feel that way. Nonetheless, I got over him and after few years, I realized that my decision to set aside my happiness is the right thing.

I know that whatever move I made today wouldn't be a regret tomorrow.