On my Own

I woke up this morning early despite I went to bed super late. I'm glad that I still have the drive to face things as usual. Besides, life will never stop if I allow myself sink into sadness and depression.

I have to stand on my weakened feet and keep going, cause I'm literally on my own now.

Not that I blame my friends but having friends taught me to be dependent. It's not a bad thing but like everything else too much dependency isn't good. I guess in these times, I got to attached, so the amount of affection I invested is equal to the pain I got caused by goodbyes.

It's rare to find someone who can fill up the space even if you feel full. 

I believe I learned a lesson about dependency before but I guess life lessons are ought to be revisited to remind me of the things I've missed or forgotten. I was independent before. I could make escape routes. I did know how to deal with things with plan A,B,C and even D. Now I have to get back to that old self quick. It's a must need. God bless me.

Quit

QUIT, this is the top trending topic on my head right now.

Few days ago, one of my HD buddy- Tin just quit from the hospital where we work. I was extremely saddened by the fact that we won't be able to see each other often.

Tin is one of my founding support at the hospital, she taught me a lot of things that intelligent-acting people don't know. She is genuine, easy going and just..light. She might be causing trouble at times but I like her a lot. Her energy can light a room and her gloominess can also darken it up. Few people misunderstood her but I'll be always there to defend her.

She went to the unit one day cause I said I miss her. I was delighted to see her but to my surprise she delivered the news that she has resigned. I felt terribly sad. Thinking of her just a floor down from where I am felt like I'm secured and knowing that she is going far away is just...depressing.

I don't have much friends cause I value quality over quantity so I tend to break down when I loose one. I'm not really at my best condition right now. In fact, I'm at my worst. Probably, it's because of the hormones, or the people and situation I'm in right now, or maybe the artificial tooth I accidentally swallow this morning (urghhh!). I definitely need a BREAK before I reached the peak and just break down.

As of the moment, I lost the fire. That one thing the fuels me up every time I wake up in the morning and pushes me to bathe, to eat, walk and work. Given all of these roller coaster emotions, quitting isn't an option for me. I took it out from my dictionary from the time I learned how big my responsibilities are.

I prescribed myself with 2 days hospital break. DONE

and that ONE thing…

Yesterday was an ultimate bliss for me. I was surprise of the amount of attention you gave me in the midst of beautiful people surrounding us. It just felt good and refreshing.

I was on hype yesterday. Probably, I’m more comfortable in the unit as ever before but still I’m uncertain of my lifespan there. I want to set limit myself but I can’t stop from falling in love to that place.

The HD unit has a certain charisma that everyone enjoys and when it’s time to go out, people tend to break down and plead for a longer time to stay. I may not witnessed the old situations but the way my friends acted when their time to leave arrived—was excruciating. Other stories I heard were the same. I feel kind a blessed that I’m still there up till now (though I’m unsure if I am meant there for real).

I want to understand that “charisma” I’m talking about.

Is it because of the staff? The staff are really friendly and accommodating. They are fun to be with most of the time. Although there are issues beneath the smiles, I find it normal—that’s how family is.

Is it because of the nature of work? Dialysis treatment is a pure routine. Initiate. Process. Terminate. Once you mastered them all, you are good to go. The work itself isn’t demanding and tiring like with other departments. One reason why VNs go major adjustment when they got rotated to other department especially to MS wards.

Is it because of the work schedule? The Dialysis unit is open from 7am-9pm. Unlike other nursing departments it only requires an 8-hour duty. Sunday is a sure day-off.

Is it because of the patients? The patients might be demanding and choosy at times but that adds spice to the unit. The patients are treated like family and like a family they share a lot. Most often, they bring food to be shared by the staff. At times, I think that’s one reason why I’m still there cause I gotta gain serious weight.

I can’t really pin point what’s the unit’s major charisma  but I can say that I’m falling to it..badly. However, there’s something inside me that stops me from bringing it in. Maybe I don’t want to indulge myself too much cause I feel guilty when I think of my friends. Maybe, I’m not yet ready to show the real me in fear of violent reactions. Maybe, I’m scared cause my position inside the unit isn’t sure yet and I might go through the same process like the old VNs who left the unit and gone big adjustments.

I don’t want to be lenient. I don’t wanna be complacent. I just want to do my part and enjoy what I’m doing. Besides, it’s not where I work but how I do things happily.

HateChu

Every time  you get close, I try hold back and push you away. I’m scared you’ll get fond of me and people will misinterpret. The worst, you’ll eventually develop feelings for me and things will turn into horror.

As an older sister, I want you to be happy but I’m not suppose to be the one who will provide that. I want to see you walking on the right direction with people who can direct you well. I want to hear good things from other people and just feel proud about your accomplishments. I wanna be someone who will be behind your back, going unnoticed. Hope you’ll do good.

Your presence burns me and it hurts but at the same time it excites me and I know I shouldn’t feel that way. How can I stop myself from hurting? It hurts when you’re away and it also hurts when you’re close. I wanna stop this misery? How can I end it.

I swear it feels like I’m bleeding inside when you had your new pet and she performs well, better than I do. I guess you want to remind me of something. I feel wrong to think negatively about her but I guess I’m just a jealous bitch after all.

There, I said it! I suck on dealing with these kind of feelings. Not to mention my hormones are definitely running wild right now. I hate the way I feel ,seriously.

This is the main reason why I hate feeling so happy because of you. WHY? Cause definitely you will make the next day horrible.

The best HD Buddies

It’s been 2 days without my HD buddies and I’m still getting by. It’s feels really different without them. I don’t know why but for some reason I feel like I’m hanging on a thread…again. Like any moment, the thread will either break or I’ll let my hand slip from it. This is just the same feeling I had during my first few weeks at the unit— UNCERTAINTY.

The replacement VNs we had are ok but I’m still longing for the old crazy and funny buddies I had. I realized it’s natural to feel this way and I hate that I had to go through it. I wonder whether my laguna buddies felt the same way when I left them.

Another insult to the injury is my mentor who acts like a jerk, messing up with me every single duty. I feel his intention, shoving  it to my face that I did wrong when I got too attached with the old volunteers. It’s not really my fault cause we were just compatible and everything followed.

Not all people will understand how a relationship  form and works in spite of  all the external and internal factors surrounding them. But, I guess that’s the magic that lies within.

My mind right now is not as clear as before. I think a lot and I consider possibilities and opportunities. It’s not the same when you had those people who understands you. I know parting is part of life and I thought I’m well prepared. Too bad it sunk late and I reacted on delay.

As of now, I’m trying to put things on order by making myself busy and preoccupying my mind with important matters. Though at times I can’t  stop myself from thinking about those people who taught me a lot of things, made me a good person, showed the part of me who I don’t know, and made me realize that life is not contained in a box.

I’m gonna keep you in my heart forever: Tin, Lei and Barce.

Asset

Two days ago, me and the rest of the VNs at the unit where I work in was asked to visit the chief nurse office. Reason: DELIBERATION. Back in college the word deliberation is correlated with expulsion or something that will pull you out of the school grounds. It’s the kind of process that every student doesn’t want to go through.

This time, I’m out of school and I’m practicing the profession I studied for four years. Deliberation means differently now, it’s an evaluation that is often done to inform us what to improve and what to preserve.

And so I was the one who was first deliberated. Honestly, my mind was somewhat prepared for what is going to happen. I just need a confirmation and it was confirmed. I was bound to stay in the Dialysis Unit. I was requested by the head nurse because according to him, “I’m an asset.”

ASSET. A useful or valuable thing, person, or quality (said Google).

I’m the kind of person who often assumes things in the future and most of the time things I assumed happens. I already anticipated that I’m gonna be in the unit longer, not because I’m good or something, but because one of the staff is going to resign soon. But I never expected that it’ll happen, at the back of my mind, I’m getting ready for rotation. I’m mentally and emotionally preparing myself for a major adjustment.

Back to the deliberation process. For some reason I was happily trembling while the chief nurse is reviewing my performance. I received good words and it was overwhelming. However, she also informed me that one of the staff who happens to be my mentor is on HOT SEAT and there’s a possibility that he might be forced to be rotated to other department or worst forced to resign. Sadly, I’m the replacement. 

I felt seriously saddened by this fact. To think that the one who taught me will eventually be gone and I, his student will act as the beneficiary. I felt heavy, burdened, and troubled. It was definitely not the best feeling in the world.

I was with 3 VNs and we were all deliberated. Unfortunately, I was the only VNs who’s going to stay in the unit. The rest will be rotated to different departments and face new challenges ahead- which I was ready for. I’m happy at the Dialysis Unit but at the back of my mind, I wanted to go and experience more outside the unit, but given the decision, I have no choice.

I was reading about Hemodialysis a while ago and I got aware that my knowledge about the illness and the process is really low. For some reason, I realize God’s plan. He doesn’t want me to leave without mastering what I’ve learned. Three months isn’t enough to learn everything. He wants me to experience something and learn more both in the medical field and life. I know God has a big plan for me and I just want to lift everything to him because I trust his decisions and plans for me.

GLORY TO GOD.