Here Comes My 8th Day

It’s been said that the wild is a very dangerous and strange place to be. It’s a place where the smart, strong and the brave ones survive.

I’ve been out from the most pampered area in the hospital for over a week now. Regrets? I would be a hypocrite if would say that I don’t miss Jalysis, cause I effin’ miss them oh so much. But for some reason, I choose not to dwell with the feeling.  Where I am right now is where I should be. It might not be the best place in terms of people and how friendly they are, but a big part of me says I belong there. How can that be possible? 

I remember how my psychology instructor taught us about the mind and its division. It is like an iceberg where the peak of it is your conscious mind and the rest buried under water is your subconscious mind. And I guess my love and like for 3rd floor is buried under the icy water.

Third floor is wild but I think not wilder than my duty days in Laguna. If my memory serves me right, I didn’t have much time to sit every time I’m on duty back in Cailles. However, 3rd floor has this specific toxic level and is brought primarily by demanding patient and doctors. It’s fairly different from Cailles. I haven’t experience the kind of toxin because I haven’t given the chance but I can feel that it is coming soon. For what is worth, I’ am ready and I’m ready to take the challenge.

The best moments in life is doing what scared you the most.

I think one of my existing phobia as of now is answering and calling on telephone. I figured out I’m scared that I might not understand the person on the other line and that person might think I’m stupid. Talk about confidence and all. To think about it, I worked in a call center and English phone tutorial center but I guess I haven’t got over with the phobia. I’m hoping I will this time. God bless me.

Unlike before, I don’t feel nervous nor scared every time I go to duty. In fact, I feel excitement and a sudden rush. I hope this will stay. This is what I call FIRE. I thought I lost it somewhere but now it’s all coming back to me.

I thank God for HIS guidance and love.

What's wrong with me?

I got a day wasted because that freaking movie: Every child is special. Not because it lasted the whole day but because it made me cried and cried, I got tired, sleepy, my eyes got puffy and my head ached.

I watched two movies yesterday; I’ve seen Get Smart and Every Child is Special. Too think of it, I got no reason to cry that heavy but for some reason I wanted to cry hard that day but I can’t let it out unless I use a medium.

I don’t know when did I loose all my crying-abilities. I bet I lost it somewhere the Dialysis Unit. It was a very happy place so I guess I let loose of all my crying-abilities cause it wasn’t needed there.  Do I have to celebrate because I am apathetic? I don’t think so. Crying is one way of emptying out my bag so I would stay sane and human.

Yesterday was a tough day. I was supposed to work ass hard all day cause I’m running out of date with the project I had but because of headache I wasn’t able to work. I also took my blood pressure and it was 70/40!!! God that was the lowest blood pressure I ever recorded.  I elevated my legs while watching a movie: Paul. Funny how I can’t work because of headache but I still had the gut to watch a movie.Hah! I got a lot of reason not to work. Tsk.

I felt bad yesterday, well, aside from the headache; I got heartaches from my recent duty.  I wanted to talk to somebody about it but not even one of my friends cared. Some replied but they are talking about themselves. Sometimes I feel tired of being concern with other people and not concerned me back. Well, it’s wrong to expect but I decided to take a time off with forwarding texts messages today or maybe the next 3 days or a week.

So I had no one to talk to with all my disappointment yesterday. I remember my mentor and his text message, but I don’t want to disturb him with all the dramas. I Probably, I should get used to this feeling. Anyways, Leah and Barce got through it anyways. I must endure this alone too.

I want to figure out where these emotions are coming from. Because they are bothering me big time. Unless I won’t know the roots how can I uproot them. Let me see. My disappointment comes from:

• my desire to prove that Dialysis people don’t suck.
• to conquer third floor
• to have a perfect endorsement always
• to show them that I’m ready for trainee hood
• pressure that I’m 08, and 
• I already had a previous training
• that freaking Meropenem!I usually forget pts requests
• I don’t get credible I&O results!
• the fact that mistakes are center of people’s attention
• that people look down on me and treat me invisible
• TO EARN THEIR RESPECT

I knew it. I have tons of excess baggage, not to mention I haven’t meet the thrown for days! These baggage are really heavy and unless I get rid of them I won’t be able to function well. Despite all  my negative feelings, I made realizations that made me loosen the tension quite a bit. Here are some:

Don’t focus much on people, focus on you job & how you’ll get it done fast. Work smart!

I was reminded of my early dialysis days where I did my job and earned recognitions later. I’m not after the recognition because I lifted them all to God. But pleasing people isn’t really a good habit.

You won’t get toxic unless you let yourself be.

I asked God to make me a good nurse, now I'm a work in progress.

At times life has some ways to remind you that you are already floating on air, and it's time to get back on the ground.

This reminded me that I’m too full of myself because I received achievements from my former area. It’s time to be back on square one.

Every duty should be treated as a toxic duty, so you won't get stunned much.

Not everyone has a perfect-less toxic duty, if you had it then, just be thankful for it.

With all said I learned my lessons and I’ll try best to apply them all on my next duty which is later at 10pm. God bless me.

Not yet time

I keep letting people feel I don't miss HD, but deep deep down my subconscious mind I effin' miss them.

There I said it!!! I guess it's not about her or anyone in the 3rd floor but all of the emotions stuck inside my chest last night should be blame with all my denial that I don't miss those freaking HD people plus there's no doubt that my estrogen levels are at peak right now. Urgggghh!

Last night was my first afternoon duty. To be honest I was kind a lost, it wasn't the best duty I ever had. Not to mention I was really bothered by the freaking' antibiotic! I hope I didn't do anything harmful to that patient. Now I realize how can my work be sooO helpful and harmful at the same time. I should be mOre cautious next time.

The people I'm with are nice too but there was one who is pretty tactless. Well, she was endorsed with me by someone but I just ignored what he said.Now, I know what he means when he said that. And it's no use if I'm gonna act like a sensitive wimpy teenager. Anyways, I'm used to teasing anyways. Someone I know from college gives me extra attention which I think might stir up a controversy. Yay! God bless me. I think  people there are not that warm like the HD people but to think of it, I'm still a stranger in that area and I still have to prove my worth to gain their trust like what I did at HD. 

Yesterday was not the best day of my life. Although I did things on time. I received some assistance which I'm so thankful but I prefer doing things on my own. (Sometimes I wish I'm NOT that proud! Must change attitude immediately!)

I saw almost all of the Jalysis people and I really appreciate their greetings but I guess that made my feelings worst aggravated by the not so tactful people of 3rd floor. TODAY, I wanna give my best! So they won't call on my name during endorsement. I still have a lot of things to learn and my bag is widely open to put them all together. 

Prayer: Father God in heaven I wanted to thank you for all the learning opportunities you are give me. May you guide me and be my personal mentor. I lift everything to you, every duty, every complement, every mistake, every learning experience I  gain. Make me a good person and make me a good nurse through all of this. In the name of the Jesus, my lord and savior. Amen.  

My Last Note for Him

I’ll make sure to keep my distance, say I love you when you’re not listening.

One thing I know about life which is absolute except from God is that you can’t get everything you want. Probably, that is one of God’s ways to keep everyone equal somehow. There are people who are blessed with material things, others are emotional blessed, spiritually blessed, socially blessed and so on. Personally, I think it’s hard to find someone who is blessed in all aspects in general, most especially in love.

So it all falls to the most overused term anyways—LOVE.  I would sound hypocrite if I’d say that I don’t like these kinds of topic because it’s damn good to talk about regardless of your present status.

This time I got to share mine. So mine was barely inexistent. It only exists if I choose to believe on it. Anyways, a data become officially a fact once you believe on it. In my case, depending on my mood and his behavior.

I met this eccentric guy on the second day of my hospital duty. He approached me, asked my name, introduced himself and we shook hands. From the time we held hands, a part of me thought that there’s something good that will happen ahead of us. It was a weird feeling with a drop of malice.

The first few weeks were rough. I was involved in a silent war between him and my friend which I was unaware of until my friend confessed everything to me— the conflict was my indirect fault. I got guilty cause before I got in, they were really good friends. Even though I was at fault, he didn’t take the blame on me but rather to my friend. I tried hard to mediate between them, I think I made difference but some external situations made their status worst. But I never gave up, now they are casual and we got closer.

He's my official mentor at the Dialysis Unit. He's the only one who gave me several opportunities to learn. Hard to accept but I owe him a lot. I don't know what he saw in me to give me that kind of attention but I really appreciate him for that. Because of him, I was able to discover my talents and enhanced my skills. It was through him that I got to prove myself with all the people inside the unit, I gained recognition, and I was valued. I was even tagged as an asset by our head. 

Nursing made us closer. We often had the same duty. He teases me when he gets the chance. He uplifts my spirit when he knows I’m feeling down. He assigned me to tasks I never handled and he helped me get through it too. He’s loud, bold, tactless, shameless, and a big flirt. He’s someone who you can easily like if you are shallow (like me) or easily hate if you weren’t able to open your mind. No doubt a lot of people hate him but I think girls find him attractive.

He got some principles with no sense. He will argue just to make fun of you. He will bathe you with all his premier sarcasm with an intention to ruin your day. He will intentionally laugh just to make you jealous. He will threat you just to make you attend some occasion. He will play while you get serious only to remind you to smile. Because of his childish acts, he is often misunderstood but I don’t.

I don’t know when or how it started but things went smooth for the both us. We don’t talk much, we seldom texts, we don’t sit next to each other, and we don’t get along much on parties but every time we had that chance to talk, to text, to sit next to other, be on the same party or simply just be closer—it brings a kind of elated feeling which should be taken in few doses or else we might loose our sanity and just let ourselves fall.

He sings songs. Songs with meanings intended to the people who hear it. I found the hint when a friend told me about the song he intentionally sang while that friend was in the same room. It's his funny way to express his feelings and thoughts. In my case, I always feel the giddy feeling  cause the songs he often sing while I'm around are about regrets cause he is committed. I find it hilarious and romantic really.

Unfortunately, our time together ended cause I was transferred to another area. For some reason, I think it's indispensable cause my feelings for him is getting serious and I don't like it much. He also starts to drop  inappropriate comments and beginning to act nice to me. 


I want to stop feeding the feeling because WE are impossible. If I let it continue, it's like me giving him license to hurt me. To think of it, it's best to separate without clearing things completely between us. It keeps the mystery alive and I like how that goes. I want to continue playing this guessing game until it fades eventually. 

Thanks! I enjoyed working with you too. You are never an ordinary colleague for me.  

Another 1st day

Today was a wrap! I lift everything to God who guided me well all through out my duty.

The day I was long waited for finally arrived and it was a great experience so far.  I got the chance to feel the adrenaline rush and sudden feeling of being lost AGAIN courtesy of the new area I’m assigned to. My 5 months of Dialysis duty are over and I’m now assigned at 3^rd floor ward.

I got to conquer my biggest enemy—morning gravity and I got to work on time. God is simply good to me when he sent Barce—my old HD buddy in the same sched as mine. He was really a huge help a while ago. My 1^st day of duty was definitely less stressful.

Opposite of what I heard, people at the 3^rd floor are kind of welcoming. It’s natural to feel out of place once in awhile but I think I can handle it. My first task in the floor is to give patient’s medications, take vital signs and monitor input & output. There are things I don’t know but I hope I’ll get use to it sooner.  The first 4 hours of duty wasn't busy at all but the other half was toxic especially the last 2 hours.  For some moment, I was taken back during my Laguna duty days where I have no time to spare and every second counts. Although I felt that “awful” feeling again, I’m relieved that I was able to pass that point of time and finished the task with less hassle. It feels good to conquer that one thing you are afraid off.

Some people were there to show their support and it was definitely comforting. I was visited by a college mate and he endorsed me with the staffs. Another person visited me on the floor and said hi. I was surprise he took the effort to do that. I don’t want to give meaning on everything he does but I was really touched even I didn’t show it much. He too endorsed me with the staffs and let me hear some good words from him about my performance at the Dialysis. Thanks to him I felt pressured; it was nerve wracking you know, but at the back of my mind, I want to make him proud and the whole Dialysis department. Besides he was my mentor and I like that fact.

I feel kind a indifferent probably because I wasn’t able to give everything I got. However, I want to remind myself that it was my FIRST day. You don’t expect to know and learn everything. Please give yourself time and treat every situation as another learning experience.

In conclusion my first day wasn’t that bad and I owe it to a lot of people and to God. Tomorrow is another day. With all the things I learned today, I hope I’m gonna perform better tomorrow.

My Jalysis End-of-Day-Thoughts

With my days counted at the Dialysis Unit, I wanted to share all my realization and end-of-day thoughts while I was there. May you find humor on every words I wrote.

In the morning…

~ I dunno much thing about love, though I know that if you like someone even small gestures mean big, loving someone make you think less rational, more stupid. 

~Treatment based on appearance- cruel, rude, mean but most of us practice it a lot. It’s one form inequality.

~There is no such thing as standards; people tend to adjust to cope in. It’s either you’ll stretch or play hard till you break. 

~I often feel alone, but I trained myself to deal with it for most time. Now if I could just make a hole on my luggage so it won’t get full. That would be awesome I guess, be it with my co-volunteers, relatives, I guess I can crown myself as the ultimate awkward queen. 

~Why do I have to think of all my mistakes when I’m out of thoughts, when I can commend myself of all the good things I've done.

~Intentionally pleasing people is an awful practice, when you can do your own thing then WOW them later.

~Why did you say that? Do I look like I’m someone who can’t be trusted? I’m sorry…

~They said truth lies within the subconscious mind, I believe on that but not in his case.

Noon time..

~Ok, inhale..exhale..I just got a tip that has driven me nuts (OMG!) This is too much! but I can definitely assure you I’m fine,  absolutely fine. I have to put myself together, be calm like always..I have to grab any chance I can get.

~If he likes you then he’ll text you, so don’t you even dare to expect! yikes!

~You gave me few strong reasons not to like you and those are good enough to focus my attention to something else better.

~People favor those with good looks, there are plenty of reasons, as for me, if he’s getting too much attention, mine would be irrelevant, better spend it to others.

~I asked you to continue being nice to me and you did, but I think I don’t want to carry on with this craze.

~Life is a big game, learn to play it well. So, they’re playing and now it’s my turn. I don’t want to continue being the loser and I swear I’ll never quit.

~The problem is, you’re not interesting enough.

~He reminds me of my kuya. We are siblings but we’re not friends, I got this feeling that he just wants me to learn but at times I feel like he is just pointing out my mistakes and is just mocking me. He wanted to impose that it’s his territory therefore I should act like I’m less than him, but my brain rejects that idea. I wanted to think that he intends to teach me.

~Do not misinterpret! Never expect!

~Be strong. The Lord is my refuge I shall not fear.

Afternoon..

~You are like my favorite comfort food serve on the silver platter, too bad I can’t take a bite. I crave to have a taste of you but I know you’re bad for me. You’re going to make me loose my mind and I’ll be out of my diet.

~People are full of themselves that they don’t care of others. It’s rare to see someone who will fill up the empty space even if one feels full.

~The one that makes us happy is also the person accountable for our greatest sorrow and pains.

~One of the best days ever. Knowing you trust me feels so good and being able to deliver what you wanted simply completed my whole day.

~One thing I dislike about feeling happy is the thought that sadness exists and is just hanging around the corner.

~I’m just a volunteer. I got my limits. I can’t take over and overpass my superior.

~Hambog ka! Arogante! Immature! Sumpongin! Now I know what Leah means.

~Things I should be thankful for: God, Pair of Parents, Degree,  Capable, Talents, Skills

~Don’t give me reasons to hate you.

Late Afternoon..

~I’m getting kind a tired of writing about you.

~You got tons of estrogen in your system more than a girl has. Your mood shifts like a teenager on a period. You annoy me more than a three year old kid in a tantrum. You confuse me like a hard to solve math problem. You give me headaches like I’m gonna  make a 1k word essay. You give me heartaches like my first fail attempts.

~There’s a thin line between confidence and arrogance; and most times it crosses the line.

~Kind a surprise that my feelings subsided in just a few weeks. I guess your flaws which are more than the scars on my legs did the magic. But seriously you are one hell of a problematic guy, I pity you every time you get into trouble though you have your ridiculous ways of getting back on your feet and make everyone feel miserable more than you do. Feb 1 is getting near and I wish it’ll never come cause I know it’ll never be the same week again (1/23-27)

~And so tinopak kananaman, you’re the ultimate jerk ever! You smile today, smirk tomorrow and ignore me the next day. Having you around feels like I’m standing between edges and it’s not the best feeling in the world. I still got something for you but I wanted it gone. It’s the very first time I doubted my feelings and instincts. I feel like you’re into me but never did anything to express and confirm.

~Sometimes things go smoothly but often it doesn’t. Be thankful if you had a great day cause not everyone has it.

~Parting is inevitable, you made great friends and you are bound to make more.

~I don’t understand why people turn their backs and walk away at times when you badly need them.

~Don’t dare loose your balls!

~I’ve been soaked with too much positivity these days that I’ve been immune to sadness which I’ve experienced for long months. Does this mean unfortunate events are all OVER?

~I ultimately hate you. I’m annoyed when you are happy, seriously I hate the way you laugh. I hate the way you make your voice so loud insensitively. I hate that you are happy while I’m sad. I hate that you sleep while I work hard.

~I know how to make you feel angry and I enjoy doing it.haha

~I think I already passed the giddy stage and now I’m on mature level.

Evening…

~I’m over it.

~It’s ok to like me but don’t get too attached. You’ll just make it hard for both of us. Let’s just enjoy the moment and just let things fade in time.

~Shoot! Why do I smile when images of you fooling around flashes!?

~We all have choices. It’s either you’re scared or lazy to make one and at times you’re too contented of where and what you are right now.

~Goal? Is it too please? To prove? To dream? For money? Proven! Follow your dream. Love what you do and good things happen.

~People are all crazy about love, baket?! Can’t they take a break!?

~If you want it, you will it, if you will it, it will be yours.

~You made friends along with memories and you are bound to make more.

~Most people will not listen unless they have something to gain from it.

~A day in your life, fate will play on you. You’ll get hit by someone you never expected to like. Hoping you are just mistaken, you misunderstood and hated.  You hurt her just to find out, you fell for her and pretty much it’s too late. Just an advice: Stop feeding your feelings and it’ll die soon. Stop hurting when you’re unsure.

I wasn't surprise this was a pretty long post, besides this is the summary of all my HD dilemma, thoughts, realizations and dramas. I wanted to conclude that I successfully done my part in the unit but it's odd to claim that myself.c:

Last few days

I only got two days remaining in the dialysis unit. People are asking me when I will get transferred in the 3rd floor. I'm not really sure what's on their mind. Whether they are excited or really saddened by my departure. 

Regardless of the their ulterior motives, I appreciate their words. Some are not sincere but few are really are.I can sense it. I intentionally act like things are gonna be ok for me, though deep inside I'm not intact  and shattered . But I'm getting used to this kind of feeling and my mind tend to learn to resist worry and depression just to cope in.

So I'm gonna be transferred from the most comfortable area to the busiest section of the hospital aka 3rd floor. I choose to be excited. 

Before I got in the hospital I prepared myself for the worst but fortunately God has been good to me and he put me in the most relaxed department- the Dialysis unit. I've been there for 4 months and I'm having a great time. Though one moment I questioned myself whether I really belong there and there was a time I lost the fire and just want to quit. 

Now, that I'm gonna leave the unit, I feel divided. One half wants to stay and other is extremely excited of leaving and exploring the outside. Probably 40/60. It's a good thing I think that the greater part of me wants to go out. Cause I really want to learn more other than dialysis.

Now, as the end comes near, I feel appreciated. I hear good words and they are sort of comforting. Words from sincere people really goes straight to the heart. They said I'm good; I deserve to be there, to stay; I'm an asset; #1 on evaluation and other overwhelming words. I choose not take them by heart but I lifted them up to my creator. HE really guided me well.

Two more duties and I'm done with dialysis. I know STRESS is ahead of me but I'm still excited. I wanna figure out something. I wanna learn more medical stuffs. I wanna meet new people. I wanna be with my friends. I wanna conquer what was said to be impossible. I wanna prove something in behalf of the dialysis people. That people from there shouldn't be underestimated rather should be given the same respect like the other people outside. 

With HIS help all things are possible. 

He, His and Him

9 o’clock in the evening was the call time of his party. I was feeling uneasy the whole day. I can’t pin point the reason of the uneasiness but I’ll try to remember some of the highlights of the party.

Three days before the D-day, he invited me to come to his “Thanksgiving Party”. I asked him what we should be thankful for? He said he was finally promoted as staff. That’s actually good news for him but not for me. Promotion for him means no movement for me but that doesn’t really bother me. He’s my mentor anyways.

I asked him if I could bring in some friends. With that I mean, I’m gonna invite Gracing and Matwa.  He actually doesn’t like Gracing that much. So I’m practically teasing him when I said that. To my surprise he agreed and what is shocking is..he even invited her personally.

Two days before, he invited me again and I refused. I said I’m gonna visit a friend in Guagua which is true but it’s not an urgent matter. I’m just enjoying see him act out and he’s really funny when he does that.

A day before, we didn’t talk that much cause he has some visitor in the unit. But when I’m about to go home he didn’t let me go until I said yes. To think of it, I shouldn’t be so conscious with all the attention he is giving me. I guess I can’t blame myself if I intentionally misinterpret what he says and he does.

When you like someone, you become less rational.

D-day came. It was just last night. I went to T’s house because we agreed that we will go together. I went there late afternoon. We watched some Glee episodes and talked about stuffs. She even had some diarrhea episodes, probably because she is really excited to see one person in the party who happens to be not present.

We arrived at the venue right on time. A saw him with his girls. He didn’t even say hi but I’m already used to it. We do that all the time. That night I was really on a drinking mode. I’ve been sober for quiet a while and I wasn’t able to drink it out the time I was stress. I tried all the cocktails he prepared I don’t care about the people. I was sort of researching so I can choose the best drink on Friday (Ex-Jalysis VNs Parteh).

Now, T observed that he is giving me all the prepared cocktails which is nothing to me. I realized it’s one way of getting my attention. I wanna recall all the quick conversation we had but I couldn’t cause I got a little bit tipsy but here are some.

He said, “makatats”. He means he was touched that we were present. T said my legs are smooth and supple. He said “patouch”. We were about to go home when he complemented about my figure. He said ‘’sexy napin eh”.

Those few words are enough to complete my night. I don't want too much of him..just enough is OK. I’m uncomfortable of him acting kind and everything but I appreciate it a lot. He’s not really like that with everyone. 

He’s an ass but he can be the best mentor. He’s a jerk but he will tell thing honestly. He’s sarcasm is through the roof but that’s his way to let you understand things easily. He can either ruin or make your day. He is one heck of an eccentric guy that people may hate and love at the same time.

Exodus

Yesterday should have been a difficult day for me. Thank goodness a friend save me from all the drama and made me accept things gradually. I did shed some tears in the elevator but surprisingly it soon dried up. 

I guess for some reason, deep down my subconscious mind I'm ready for this.

First day of March, around 3pm, I went inside the pantry cause I'm about to go home. My head approached me and told me about what was discussed in recent board meeting. He mentioned about the decision of the board to get new machines for the dialysis, the bad news is, they will not promote VNs to trainees. 

I wasn't devastated by the fact that I won't get promoted. Rather I was saddened by his intention to make me decide about my future in the hospital, whether to stay or leave.. He informed me that my batch mates are about to be promoted and I'm  gonna be left out. I got no issue with that but some people think that it would be unfair for me if I won't get promoted too.

This reminded me of my real intention of getting inside the hospital. I thought this would be my chance to fulfill what I really came there for. To learn as much as I can so it wouldn't be difficult for me to cope when I got out of the country. Although I still can't stop myself to get emotional when I think of the fact that I will leave  people who I already got used to see everyday. 

Dialysis unit is a great workplace. It isn't perfect but it is a happy place. However, these past few days my life has been hard. I thought of quitting and all morbid stuffs. I cried, prayed and asked God for his guidance. Now, He answered. 

A while ago, I was asked to go to the chief nurse office. Like expected our chief nurse wants the good for me. She pulled the trigger of the gun I'm holding. She decided what's suppose to be the best to do for me and that is to get into the nursing services. To think of it, I've been subconsciously wanting to be rotated ever since my friends got out from the dialysis unit. Now, I guess I got my wish granted in the right time. 

Honestly, everything is going on a slow motion for me right now. Things aren't sinking and I haven't contemplated my position and what is ahead of me. I guess my mind choose not to worry, I'll reserve it on March 11. 

See u guys in the floor!