What I want..

I'm writing right now cause I want to know what is wrong. I want to learn what's the root of all the anxieties and worries I have. 

I have this co worker at the HD unit. He has a great future ahead of him. He's smart, talented and good looking. He doesn't realize how fortunate he is with all features he has. He is confused and is out of his mind these days. He thinks a lot. He worries about the future much. Too much that I can feel how hard he is going through. He certainly needs a break from all of it.

I felt the same way few days ago. One patient told me I'm not with my old self. I do, I was. Honestly, it's getting into me...how serious my job is. I'm dealing with lives. Life- where there is no way to retrieve once it's already gone. Mistakes are not allowed. 

The thought of saving a life is really rewarding, losing one is a nightmare. 

I'm a pessimist. That's how I make myself efficient. I expect the worst. From there I prepare myself with the worst situation that may arrive. That's where I find relief. It's annoying. I wonder when will I ever be confident and just relax a bit. 

I can't relax if the people around me are lenient. I worry about other people, about other patients. It's not my problem suppose to be but I create problems in my head more than I can handle. I guess that's  the reason I find it hard to focus on important matters. I want to work smart and not hard.

I'm not a physical person. I'm underweight. I want to use my head more than my body at work. What to do? How to do it? I want to be like everyone else. I want to do my job..well. I want to be confident. I don't want to feel uneasy every time a patient comes through that glass door. I want to be good with what I do. That I will feel proud every time I say I'm a Dialysis nurse. 

It's time. It's time to embrace what I'am and love what I do. 

Grateful Heart

I was on deck that day. I’m not even the on-call. I was extremely deprived of one thing which gives me pleasure- SLEEP. I’ve gone through a very critical situation. I put my patient in a life threatening condition. I placed the leads the wrong way. I pissed off my attending. I put the dialysis unit in shame. I troubled my co-workers, attending and my head. And I’m not supposed to be the one in there.

November 5 at 11pm, my boss asked me whether I could attend a possible emergency dialysis to a dyspneic patient. He said Ms. On call was tired and asked me if I could go in replacement of her. I said yes, I was on deck anyway. I received a call and it wasn’t the patient I was expecting. Anyways, it’s ok. I got to the unit pretty early so I have ample of time to prepare. 

My first patient was dyspneic. He was an easy patient. He was with her wife. Her wife asked me about the charges and she has no enough money to cover for the charges. I offered my own money but it wasn’t enough. I offered other helping terms instead. In the end, the patient got admitted because his sugar level was still too high despite finishing his dialysis. 

I thought I was going to get a sleep when ER called and there is another patient who needs dialysis. Ok, with no hesitation I accepted the case. At the back of my mind, I was worried whether my seniors will go in early or not. I’m not yet confident with my cannulation skill, if I really have that skill anyway (screw my coward self for saying that!).

So there it is at around 5:30 am, my second patient come in. He was dysneic. Things went fine in the beginning. I thought it’s going to be another easy case but it wasn’t. An one hour after, he complained of chest pain, I called his attending. My call didn't get through. I referred the patient to the resident on duty. I gave the patient some meds and did an ecg. Screw me for placing the leads wrong! I went down and have the ecg tracing interpreted. The ROD said there was no problem, without even seeing the ecg and without even telling me that I screwed up the leads! My patient’s BP dropped. I called his attending. I started a dopa drip. His chest pain continued and his O2 saturation dropped too. Damn! I updated the AP and he ordered an early termination. I thought things will go well now that patient was unhooked, rather the horror continues as his symptoms get worst. 

I called the ER and asked for the ROD to assess the patient personally, but he refused rather he ordered blah blah. Which he should have ordered a long time ago! That moment, I have wished I was a doctor and just do everything for my patient. Finally his attending got in. He looked at the ecg tracing and said I got the leads wrong. Then the patient got admitted in the ICU.

I was so embarrassed that I wished I was not there. Seriously for the 2nd time!? Jane! What are you thinking!? You’ve been doing that for a lot of times now! Seriously why!? (haha, I can’t get myself so angry cause I’m watching something good right now,) I felt embarrassed but it’s ok, I just laugh it off and I seriously never plan to do it again. Yay! F

So my day at the unit ended and for reason I felt ok. All I think about is to get enough sleep. My head was so nice he let me have my off the next the day. And for your information, I overslept.

Despite all the trouble, November 6 wasn’t a bad day at all. It was a trial and I definitely learned a lot. There were more things I should be grateful about rather than regrets. Number 1: The learning experience I've gone through. Number: 2: My very helpful co-workers. Number 3: My patient didn't code. Number 4: All the learning I learned in just a night (so much). Number 4: haha, I earn P 750 + 200 in just a day. Number 5: The good comment I received from the ICU nurses. There are lots of things to be thankful. Yes I was upset for a while but I choose not to dwell with the feeling. It’s not going change things anyways. Rather I choose to have a grateful heart and see the brighter side of the bigger picture clearly. 

Mixed Sunday Thoughts

I was able to be part of a fellowship again. After a long time, I met my Heavenly Father. It feels good and my desire to hear more of his words intensified more. It was a pure longing to learn more of his words. I guess this is where I find peace. It’s every time I’m in his presence and surrounded with people who serve Him genuinely.

I went to church today. Although at most time, my head flies out of nowhere, I still find myself headed back where I am. The geist of the Sunday service is to have a “grateful heart”. It’s not until on the last part that I absorbed the message. It was a very nice and simple message to remind me of how I’m blessed I am. I’ve been focusing with negatives rather than the bright side of things lately so the message is definitely something to ponder about. 

I’ve always been terrified with IV cannulation. I know this a very different story but I need to get it out of my chest. My hand shakes whenever I do it. My heart beats fast whenever I think about it. The anticipation of me doing it freaks me out. I can’t pin point it out exactly but I think me, committing a MISTAKE is the root of all this stress.

It’s part of my job. It’s actually the main part of my job. To establish a very good access so the patient can start the procedure. 

On one hand, GETTING IN brings me so much joy. How I wish I could focus much on the positive things I’m doing rather than the vein-bulging and vein-missing circumstances. I know I’m better than this. What I have to do now is to try hard to be a better me. Stop lingering with the past mistakes. It happens. Even staffs miss. You are just yet a trainee. A trainee needs training to be an ever deserving staff.