I'm writing right now cause I want to know what is wrong. I want to learn what's the root of all the anxieties and worries I have.
I have this co worker at the HD unit. He has a great future ahead of him. He's smart, talented and good looking. He doesn't realize how fortunate he is with all features he has. He is confused and is out of his mind these days. He thinks a lot. He worries about the future much. Too much that I can feel how hard he is going through. He certainly needs a break from all of it.
I felt the same way few days ago. One patient told me I'm not with my old self. I do, I was. Honestly, it's getting into me...how serious my job is. I'm dealing with lives. Life- where there is no way to retrieve once it's already gone. Mistakes are not allowed.
The thought of saving a life is really rewarding, losing one is a nightmare.
I'm a pessimist. That's how I make myself efficient. I expect the worst. From there I prepare myself with the worst situation that may arrive. That's where I find relief. It's annoying. I wonder when will I ever be confident and just relax a bit.
I can't relax if the people around me are lenient. I worry about other people, about other patients. It's not my problem suppose to be but I create problems in my head more than I can handle. I guess that's the reason I find it hard to focus on important matters. I want to work smart and not hard.
I'm not a physical person. I'm underweight. I want to use my head more than my body at work. What to do? How to do it? I want to be like everyone else. I want to do my job..well. I want to be confident. I don't want to feel uneasy every time a patient comes through that glass door. I want to be good with what I do. That I will feel proud every time I say I'm a Dialysis nurse.
It's time. It's time to embrace what I'am and love what I do.
