These past few days, I was really not in my best condition. My thoughts and emotions are six feet below the ground. I feel so down and tiny that I’m scared that everything might end up any moment. I always blame my hormones when it comes to these situations but it's different this time.
Ive been cautious about my actions and words but my sister blew it off. I never had a good relationship with my siblings. I feel furious over them because of petty matters. That’s me. I know I’m childlike and shallow. I might be 23 years old, looking mature and ready to go independent but my insides do not tell those so. I’m a selfish-manipulative bitch who always want to get what she wants even though it’s impossible. I’m miserable.
That’s it. I wanted things my way so when one opposed me. My heart beats fast and starts raising my voice. My way of intimidating the person I’m talking to.
I’m not like that with everybody. I’ve never been like these in front of my friends. Just with my family. I don’t know whether that’s my real self. But I believe people have this mechanism to respond the way they want depending on others treatment. In other case, people show their tough and vulnerable sides to different groups of people.
These days I incessantly contemplate myself. I can’t stop thinking. I started questioning my own purpose, motives, and goals for my family and myself. At the end, I realized that I don’t want to make my whole family happy. Only those people whom I knew value me. In this case, there were only few. On top of that, I realized that I only want to make myself happy.
I spent almost half of the day in my room today. I self-introspected, I cried because of dysmenorrhea, I reviewed for my IELTS and I browsed my college year book. From all those things I did, one thing made my mind clear: my college year book. I’ve seen familiar faces, I discovered few things, and I wondered where are these people now? Are they like me, wasting time in the house, lying in bed and only thinking? Or are they following OUR dream as a registered nurse? I found a list of people who graduated their masteral degree in the same year I graduated. I thought”These are successful individuals who set goals and achieved them ASAP.” I envied them, seriously.
I watched the finale episode of my favorite K drama, Dream High. After watching it I felt really good. Dream High is not merely made for entertainment. It is made to enlighten people about their dreams. That reaching a dream is not easy but after you did everything you opt to do, you will reap what you have planted. The ending of the drama signaled something relevant to me. That is, it is time for me to start dreaming. They did it for just a year. And I believe this is my year, 2011 is the year for my dream.
I’m thankful. I’m really thankful that I went through tough times these days. I realized that I’ve been in a stagnant mode recently but I’m on my nerves now. I’m awake and coherent and I’m ready to reach my goals! I will be K in real life. I will work hard. There will be things that will stop me but I promise that I won’t let these hindrances stop.
Past is passed and I can’t change it anymore. Future is not yet written and I promise that I will try my best to have a well written one.
